worry.

I hate the feeling of worry. I hate when things in life occur that I cannot control if I tried. Those things make me worry.

God tells us not to worry. Worrying has no use. This I know. But sometimes, it's hard to follow. I can't help but wonder what the future holds. If what I really want and desire will happen or if the dreaded feeling of disappointment will once again invade my emotions.

I don't understand God's ways sometimes. Just when things seem like they will pick up and everything will be "right" again, something happens. Ideas and plans fall through. Hopes and dreams are dashed. I'm exhausted from being on this roller coaster called life with an unemployed husband.

I don't understand You, God. I don't understand why you dangle things right in front of my eyes and let my skeptical heart feel an ounce of excitement only to pull the thing I want right out of my grasp. Why do we have to keep playing these games? What do I have to do in order for the thing I want to actually happen?! Why do you allow these things to go on for months with some sense of hope and then some sense of hopelessness at the same time? When will this end? Will this ever end? I don't feel like it will.

I can't help but at this moment feel somewhat upset with myself for putting my eggs in one basket. Again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Why did I let this happen again? Why did we waste so much time hoping and praying this one dream would come true only to have it drag out longer than we were told and with more despair seeping in than hope?

Sometimes God (okay, a lot of times), I feel like you gave me the short straw in life. When I compare (yes, I know I shouldn't but I still do) my life compared to those around me who are in my circle, I feel like I got jipped. I know my life isn't terrible. It isn't awful. And others have it worse than I imagine. But this is the life I'm living. And for once I want to feel like as soon as You close one door You quickly open another. I want to forgo the whole practicing patience and waiting on God's never ending "untimeliness". I want to know that everything is going to be okay. I want to know there will be an end soon. Very soon. I want to celebrate something good and be relieved of the stress that weighs me down and puts a strain on my marriage. God I want to know You haven't forgotten about me. You have forgotten that we are hoping and praying this job thing works out in our favor. Please God.

This is a moment by moment struggle I face daily. And some days I'm really good about giving God the weight of my burden. Today I suck. Today I can't take my mind off the events that continue to unfold. Please God, please bring an end to this soon. Please bring a reason to celebrate soon.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

beautiful one, i love you.

Dealing with a loss is difficult. I've experienced a "loss" in the form of dreams that I had for myself, such as certain houses that I desired or jobs. But now, I am experiencing a new loss. A "real" loss.

The loss of a baby.

On Saturday, March 16th, I found out I was pregnant. Something we had been hoping and praying for for the past few months. I was 5 days late for my expected period. And the first thing I did that morning was take a pregnancy test. I was excited and scared when I saw that the test results turned out positive. I showed the results to my husband who was more excited than scared! I spent that morning looking at baby stuff online and trying to price things out. We even casually discussed some names, none of which we liked. I began looking up all sorts of pregnancy things. Like when we were due-- November 16th. And how far along I would be for different occasions, when I would hit my second and third trimester, or when I would be considered full term. I remember waking up for some time in the middle of the night on Saturday and going into the other room to read, the room that would have been the baby's. I remember sitting in there thinking, soon enough this room will hold our child. That first day, we just kept this secret between us. I was anticipating telling everyone, but first, my own mom.

On Sunday, March 17th, my mom came over to help us do some yard work. As soon as she got here I showed her the pregnancy test. I knew she would be elated as she often mentions wanting a grandchild! And I was right! She was so excited! Which made me even more excited. My mom and I then went out to weed my yard and spent most of the time talking about baby stuff. I was so happy I could finally make her dream of being a grandma a reality. She left after about an hour. Royce and I were planning on going to run an errand at the store so I went to the bathroom before we were about to leave. And then I noticed the blood. Immediately I was alarmed. I cleaned myself up, and headed upstairs to call the nurse. After being advised to just rest and making an appointment to see the doctor the following day, I started to research bleeding during the first trimester. I had no idea what to think about this. Some websites would have women writing about how this happened to them and they still had a healthy pregnancy and for others it meant a miscarriage. I hoped for the former and feared the latter.

On Monday I wished I would have called into work. I was not myself but I tried to put on a brave face. I tried to pretend I was okay. But I was so nervous. As the time went on, I was getting the feeling that this was a miscarriage. I finally went to my doctors appointment that afternoon, only to have my fears confirmed. I was in the process of miscarrying.

I was only 5 weeks and 2 days. I had only known about this baby for less than 36 hours. But that didn't stop me from feeling a sense of loss. A loss of dreams. A loss of hope. A loss of a child. I cried. A lot. I tried to focus on other things. And that would temporarily take my mind off the fact that I lost my baby. But every cramp and every passing of blood would remind me of the reality I was in. There wasn't a baby in my womb any more.

And I don't understand it. I don't get why God chose to take this life from me. From us. I may never know on this side of heaven. And I worry for the future, will this happen again? Will I ever have a baby? It's been my dream since I was little to be a mother. I so badly want to be a mother. I can only pray that God will fulfill the desire in His timing.

And that's the thing, it's His timing. Not mine. Which I'm slowly learning that my timing and God's are rarely on track, but I think mine is best until I see that His is actually best. So I'm reminding myself of the times God has taken care of me, the times He has shown me that His plans are far better than mine. That His ways are not my ways.

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways' declares the Lord."--Isaiah 55:8

I know when I get to heaven one day there will be a baby there to welcome me. My baby.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."--Psalm 139:13

it's not you. or is it?

So apparently Rejection and I have become quite acquainted to the point that we're pretty much best friends now. I've known Rejection very well for the past couple of years. Every now and again she comes to visit. Sometimes I'm okay with it and other times I hate when she arrives.

Today I hate it.

For the first couple of years she came in the form of a rejection from jobs that my husband or I have applied for. Now those ones I've been able to deal with because I have learned not to get too emotionally involved or attached. In fact, with the exception of one, I have just pretty much rolled them off my back when I've learned that nothing would come to pass. One of them, however, was pretty hard to deal with. Because there were some promises made that weren't followed through with. I think this was the first time I had met Rejection. And it was difficult. So I learned not to expect anything after my husband or I applied for a job.

But then Rejection came in the form of a desired home purchase. So far she's arrived twice. The first time she came after we placed an offer on a home was not too disappointing. I wasn't sure how I felt about the home but decided to go for it anyway. But the second time she arrived was today.

Today I hate her.

We looked at a home over the weekend that took me awhile to warm up to. And maybe that was the problem. We took too long. But we eventually fell in love with this little house. It seemed to meet our desires in almost every area. And we were dreaming of what we would do to make it ours. We imagined ourselves living there. Planning what colors we would paint the rooms, how we would landscape the yard, where we would put the furniture.

But then we found out that other offers were put in before ours so we are pretty much out of the running. I was extremely disappointed to find this out. I thought we actually had a good shot at this place.

I hate Rejection.

I keep returning to a conversation I had with God in the bathroom at work last week (random spot, I know!). It was  just a brief conversation that went something like this:

Me: I never get what I want.
God: You're seeking my plan aren't you?
Me: Yes. I want what You have planned for my life.
God: Then what you want isn't always what I have in store. If you continually pray for my will to be done and I do it my way, that doesn't always look like what you planned. But it's what I planned. And that's what you asked for.
Me: I know. But I hate it.
God: But you don't know what I have in store. I'll show you when it's time.

In my head I know that if I am seeking to do God's will and wanting Him to have control in my life, the outcome is not always what I have planned. But at the same time my heart desires things that apparently God doesn't have in store for me. What a struggle that is! I want my head and heart to align with God's plan but I seem to always be off track.

This seems to be a lesson of control. I think I know what is best. But I pray for God's best. Maybe he's using these situations to show me that what I think I know isn't always what is best for my life.

Maybe one day I'll meet Rejection's polar opposite friend, Acceptance. 

But for now I'll just keep praying for my desires to be the same as God's will.

a dry spell

Lately I've been feeling like my spiritual life is stale. For the life of me I could not get myself to desire to open my Bible, to spend time with God, to experience some sort of emotion on a spiritual level. It's not that I didn't want to. I wanted to so badly feel something for God. But I felt like I was going through a dry season. And I prayed on several occasions that God would keep calling my name. That He would keep drawing me back to Him.

I think yesterday I had a breakthrough.

And I liked it.

In fact, I loved it.

Normally I would just put spending time with God on my checklist for the day. Something to mark off. But this time I spent a considerable amount of time. Enjoying it. And then later in the evening when I normally would have picked up my computer to entertain me, I picked up my Bible and read some more. Same thing this morning. Just spent time with God. Enjoying it. Soaking it in. Thinking about what I was actually reading.

Slowly I am coming out of my dry spell.

Thank God. Literally.

i'm a republican. i think.

I am a registered republican voter. Do I really know what that means? No. I just know some basic values that republicans are apparently supposed to share and I said, sure that's me. Now don't go all crazy on me because I'm not educated enough on my party. I know that. But party shmarty. It's not how I will define myself.

This whole idea of me wanting to write about political parties started because I was reading some article on September 11th. And then I was praying about some things. And I started to pray about our country and for the next president. And I prayed, God please rise up the right person to take office next; regardless of their party.

I am not a very political person. But it was always one of my favorite subjects in school. So I do enjoy it somewhat.

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who get caught up in their party being eternally right and everyone else being wrong. Because in my opinion we should be voting for the individual who we agree with, not necessarily the party. Because sometimes the person who is representing my party doesn't represent my values, morals or beliefs. And sometimes, the person who is representing my opposing party does. Should I vote for someone solely based on party or should I vote for someone who shares my beliefs. I understand that typically the person representing your chosen party shares your beliefs but that doesn't always make them the right person, does it?

I have a facebook friend who is a pastor. His political view is listed as "just try to vote like Jesus." And that is how I believe voting should be. If I am supposed to try to bring the kingdom of God here on Earth, shouldn't I be siding with people whose views, opinions and beliefs are closer to that than someone who represents my party? It shouldn't matter if the person is republican, democrat, green party, etc.

So instead of focusing solely on parties, I want to focus solely on the individuals running.

And then vote like Jesus.

the cure.

I have self-diagnosed anxiety. This is something that I've dealt with for a few years now. Although a doctor has yet to tell me that I suffer from it. Probably because I haven't been to a doctor for it. It's not enough to make want to see a doctor and take some meds for it. But I do experience moderate levels of anxiety. But this post is not about whether or not I have anxiety. It's more than that.

It's about God speaking to me. In a very cool way. Let me explain.

This morning I was spending some time reading my Bible and having a little prayer/conversation with God. I think a lot of the time my conversations with God are repetitive because a lot of the time God is telling me, trust me. And that is very difficult for me. Not because I don't believe God can be trusted but because I get in the way. I think I have it all figured out. Or more than likely, I am just too impatient to wait for God's timing. But back to my conversation with God. I have anxiety about the end times. All the natural disasters occurring and what not. I just want to ignore it because it brings about stress and anxiety. So this morning my conversation was semi-centered around that. And there it is again, God telling me, trust me. And then I get this feeling (okay more like God telling me) that I should open my Bible to read something. And then Psalm 56 is pressed on my heart. And I'm just thinking, okay this is myself trying to make something "spiritual." But I turn to Psalm 56 and this is what it says:

Be merciful to me, my God,

for my enemies are in hot pursuit;

all day long they press their attack,

My adversaries pursue me all day long;

in their pride many are attacking me.

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

In God, whose word I praise--

In God I trust and am not afraid.

What can mere mortals do to me?

All day long they twist my words;

all their schemes are for my ruin.

They conspire, they lurk,

they watch my steps,

hoping to take my life.

Because of their wickedness do not let them escape;

In your anger, God, bring the nations down.

Record my misery,

list my tears on your scroll--

are they not in your record?

Then my enemies will turn back

when I call for help.

By this I will know that God is for me.

In God, whose word I praise,

In the Lord, whose word I praise--

in God I trust and am not afraid.

What can man do to me?

I am under vows to you, my God;

I will present my thank offerings to you.

For you have delivered me from death

and my feet from stumbling,

that I may walk before God

in the light of life.

This is God. Speaking to me. This is exactly what I needed to hear.

When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you, God.

wedding planning 101.

I'm having difficulty sleeping so I figured I would just blog. My idea: what I've learned about weddings through wedding planning.

1. Tradition is out. Sort of.

There are several things that are traditionally done at a wedding that I'm not doing. For starters, I am not having programs. But in lieu of that I did make a chalkboard that will sit in the lobby of the church to serve as my program. It has all the important info: who is in the wedding and a special thanks. No one has to know what song is being played when and what the order of service is. It's typical protestant church wedding stuff. The other thing that is most traditional that I threw out is cake. Yep. No wedding cake will be served at my wedding. Royce and I hate cake. So why would we want to eat it at our own wedding? So instead we're serving one of our favorite things that we rarely indulge in--doughnuts. We are having a "cake" table and the doughnuts will be displayed beautifully. And we will even halve a doughnut to feed each other.

2. The best weddings are the ones that scream BRIDE & GROOM

I mean their signature is all over the wedding. From the flowers, to the dress, to the music, to the food. They have their thumbprint all over it. This pretty much goes hand in hand with the first topic. But I'll give you some examples of how our stamp is all over our wedding: first off, the dress. I never wanted a poofy dress with all the frills and frump. I knew this going in. So I had my eyes set on a flowy, floor length, simple dress. I tried it on. Didn't hate it. Didn't love it. And then I tried on another dress, and another dress, and another dress and you get the picture. I went dress shopping two times. The first time I was very picky because I thought I knew what I want. The second time I was more open to other ideas. I tried on all different dresses the second time. And I knew I was getting closer and closer with each one but still hadn't found "the one." Well the lady helping me pulled a couple short dresses off the rack and I told her I didn't want to try them on because I felt like getting married in a church I couldn't have a short dress and if I tried on a short dress I would fall in love. She insisted I try it on. So I did. And guess what? I fell in love. And I bought it. I am totally a short dress kinda girl. Another place our stamp is on is the food. We are serving heavy hors d'oeuvres. At first I wasn't keen on this idea as I had never seen it done before. But I warmed up to it. And now I'm so excited for it. Because I keep describing it like Costco samples. And I love Costco. For their samples. And so does Royce.

3. Weddings are more fun when they are unique.

I've been to several weddings. But none of them made me ooh and ahh and think, wow this is so fun! Instead they were more like the first one, and then second one, and the third one, and the... It was all the typical stuff you see at a wedding. I keep describing mine as the wedding I've never been to. It isn't the kind where you have assigned seats or you find your own table. Because there won't be enough chairs and tables for everyone. Instead it's more of a mingling and conversational atmosphere. There is no head table. No sweetheart table. But I guess you could say we have a sweetheart couch. The food and drinks will all be in different locations so you'll have to move around to get it. And hopefully when you move, you'll bump into someone you know and strike up a conversation.

4. Some traditions are great to keep!

There are things we aren't throwing out. Like dancing. And typical dances. First dance. Father/daughter dance. And fast dancing. That's something I'm most looking forward to. We also are using two traditional songs during the processional. Canon in D for the bridesmaids walking down the aisle and Bridal Chorus (Here Comes the Bride) for the bride walking down the aisle. The rest of the music isn't as traditional. But it's mostly all instrumental which is traditional-ish. For the most part, the ceremony is pretty traditional with communion and unity candle lighting.

5. The more unique you strive for, the harder the preparations become.

I learned this early on. Before getting engaged my dream wedding was vintage. Green, brown, ivory, lace. After getting engaged my wedding evolved into modern. Very modern. Green, gray, white, tin metal. I'm not having roses anywhere for flowers. I saw my flowers, I don't even know what kind of flowers they are because they are so unique (thanks to my peeps)! Early on we wanted to play acoustic love songs during the prelude (seating of guests). That became a difficult hunt to find the right songs to play. And then I didn't feel like getting all 15 of the songs lyrics approved so we tossed that idea out. We also tried to find current day songs in an instrumental version for people to walk down the aisle. Nothing felt just right. So we nixed it. Having a short dress meant having cute shoes because they would show. I said this was going to be the death of me. And I felt like it was for several weeks. Until I found the perfect ones. And back to my dress. The whole time I was trying on dresses, I would ask the lady how many people have you sold this dress to? I was always looking for the answer, very few. Or hardly ever sell it. Or I have only sold two of them. <---That was the answer I got for my dress. Which made it even more perfect! I didn't want your typical wedding dress that people always saw. And if I had a long dress I didn't want strapless with that bunchy-ness on the bottom half. But mine is strapless and I'm okay with that because it's also short.

All in all, I learned keep what you like about weddings and throw out old ideas that you don't like. Like bouquet toss and garter toss. We are throwing those out. People reluctantly go out on the dance floor for that. And only because other people convinced them to. Unless you are 8 years old.