i'm a republican. i think.

I am a registered republican voter. Do I really know what that means? No. I just know some basic values that republicans are apparently supposed to share and I said, sure that's me. Now don't go all crazy on me because I'm not educated enough on my party. I know that. But party shmarty. It's not how I will define myself.

This whole idea of me wanting to write about political parties started because I was reading some article on September 11th. And then I was praying about some things. And I started to pray about our country and for the next president. And I prayed, God please rise up the right person to take office next; regardless of their party.

I am not a very political person. But it was always one of my favorite subjects in school. So I do enjoy it somewhat.

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who get caught up in their party being eternally right and everyone else being wrong. Because in my opinion we should be voting for the individual who we agree with, not necessarily the party. Because sometimes the person who is representing my party doesn't represent my values, morals or beliefs. And sometimes, the person who is representing my opposing party does. Should I vote for someone solely based on party or should I vote for someone who shares my beliefs. I understand that typically the person representing your chosen party shares your beliefs but that doesn't always make them the right person, does it?

I have a facebook friend who is a pastor. His political view is listed as "just try to vote like Jesus." And that is how I believe voting should be. If I am supposed to try to bring the kingdom of God here on Earth, shouldn't I be siding with people whose views, opinions and beliefs are closer to that than someone who represents my party? It shouldn't matter if the person is republican, democrat, green party, etc.

So instead of focusing solely on parties, I want to focus solely on the individuals running.

And then vote like Jesus.

the cure.

I have self-diagnosed anxiety. This is something that I've dealt with for a few years now. Although a doctor has yet to tell me that I suffer from it. Probably because I haven't been to a doctor for it. It's not enough to make want to see a doctor and take some meds for it. But I do experience moderate levels of anxiety. But this post is not about whether or not I have anxiety. It's more than that.

It's about God speaking to me. In a very cool way. Let me explain.

This morning I was spending some time reading my Bible and having a little prayer/conversation with God. I think a lot of the time my conversations with God are repetitive because a lot of the time God is telling me, trust me. And that is very difficult for me. Not because I don't believe God can be trusted but because I get in the way. I think I have it all figured out. Or more than likely, I am just too impatient to wait for God's timing. But back to my conversation with God. I have anxiety about the end times. All the natural disasters occurring and what not. I just want to ignore it because it brings about stress and anxiety. So this morning my conversation was semi-centered around that. And there it is again, God telling me, trust me. And then I get this feeling (okay more like God telling me) that I should open my Bible to read something. And then Psalm 56 is pressed on my heart. And I'm just thinking, okay this is myself trying to make something "spiritual." But I turn to Psalm 56 and this is what it says:

Be merciful to me, my God,

for my enemies are in hot pursuit;

all day long they press their attack,

My adversaries pursue me all day long;

in their pride many are attacking me.

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

In God, whose word I praise--

In God I trust and am not afraid.

What can mere mortals do to me?

All day long they twist my words;

all their schemes are for my ruin.

They conspire, they lurk,

they watch my steps,

hoping to take my life.

Because of their wickedness do not let them escape;

In your anger, God, bring the nations down.

Record my misery,

list my tears on your scroll--

are they not in your record?

Then my enemies will turn back

when I call for help.

By this I will know that God is for me.

In God, whose word I praise,

In the Lord, whose word I praise--

in God I trust and am not afraid.

What can man do to me?

I am under vows to you, my God;

I will present my thank offerings to you.

For you have delivered me from death

and my feet from stumbling,

that I may walk before God

in the light of life.

This is God. Speaking to me. This is exactly what I needed to hear.

When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you, God.

wedding planning 101.

I'm having difficulty sleeping so I figured I would just blog. My idea: what I've learned about weddings through wedding planning.

1. Tradition is out. Sort of.

There are several things that are traditionally done at a wedding that I'm not doing. For starters, I am not having programs. But in lieu of that I did make a chalkboard that will sit in the lobby of the church to serve as my program. It has all the important info: who is in the wedding and a special thanks. No one has to know what song is being played when and what the order of service is. It's typical protestant church wedding stuff. The other thing that is most traditional that I threw out is cake. Yep. No wedding cake will be served at my wedding. Royce and I hate cake. So why would we want to eat it at our own wedding? So instead we're serving one of our favorite things that we rarely indulge in--doughnuts. We are having a "cake" table and the doughnuts will be displayed beautifully. And we will even halve a doughnut to feed each other.

2. The best weddings are the ones that scream BRIDE & GROOM

I mean their signature is all over the wedding. From the flowers, to the dress, to the music, to the food. They have their thumbprint all over it. This pretty much goes hand in hand with the first topic. But I'll give you some examples of how our stamp is all over our wedding: first off, the dress. I never wanted a poofy dress with all the frills and frump. I knew this going in. So I had my eyes set on a flowy, floor length, simple dress. I tried it on. Didn't hate it. Didn't love it. And then I tried on another dress, and another dress, and another dress and you get the picture. I went dress shopping two times. The first time I was very picky because I thought I knew what I want. The second time I was more open to other ideas. I tried on all different dresses the second time. And I knew I was getting closer and closer with each one but still hadn't found "the one." Well the lady helping me pulled a couple short dresses off the rack and I told her I didn't want to try them on because I felt like getting married in a church I couldn't have a short dress and if I tried on a short dress I would fall in love. She insisted I try it on. So I did. And guess what? I fell in love. And I bought it. I am totally a short dress kinda girl. Another place our stamp is on is the food. We are serving heavy hors d'oeuvres. At first I wasn't keen on this idea as I had never seen it done before. But I warmed up to it. And now I'm so excited for it. Because I keep describing it like Costco samples. And I love Costco. For their samples. And so does Royce.

3. Weddings are more fun when they are unique.

I've been to several weddings. But none of them made me ooh and ahh and think, wow this is so fun! Instead they were more like the first one, and then second one, and the third one, and the... It was all the typical stuff you see at a wedding. I keep describing mine as the wedding I've never been to. It isn't the kind where you have assigned seats or you find your own table. Because there won't be enough chairs and tables for everyone. Instead it's more of a mingling and conversational atmosphere. There is no head table. No sweetheart table. But I guess you could say we have a sweetheart couch. The food and drinks will all be in different locations so you'll have to move around to get it. And hopefully when you move, you'll bump into someone you know and strike up a conversation.

4. Some traditions are great to keep!

There are things we aren't throwing out. Like dancing. And typical dances. First dance. Father/daughter dance. And fast dancing. That's something I'm most looking forward to. We also are using two traditional songs during the processional. Canon in D for the bridesmaids walking down the aisle and Bridal Chorus (Here Comes the Bride) for the bride walking down the aisle. The rest of the music isn't as traditional. But it's mostly all instrumental which is traditional-ish. For the most part, the ceremony is pretty traditional with communion and unity candle lighting.

5. The more unique you strive for, the harder the preparations become.

I learned this early on. Before getting engaged my dream wedding was vintage. Green, brown, ivory, lace. After getting engaged my wedding evolved into modern. Very modern. Green, gray, white, tin metal. I'm not having roses anywhere for flowers. I saw my flowers, I don't even know what kind of flowers they are because they are so unique (thanks to my peeps)! Early on we wanted to play acoustic love songs during the prelude (seating of guests). That became a difficult hunt to find the right songs to play. And then I didn't feel like getting all 15 of the songs lyrics approved so we tossed that idea out. We also tried to find current day songs in an instrumental version for people to walk down the aisle. Nothing felt just right. So we nixed it. Having a short dress meant having cute shoes because they would show. I said this was going to be the death of me. And I felt like it was for several weeks. Until I found the perfect ones. And back to my dress. The whole time I was trying on dresses, I would ask the lady how many people have you sold this dress to? I was always looking for the answer, very few. Or hardly ever sell it. Or I have only sold two of them. <---That was the answer I got for my dress. Which made it even more perfect! I didn't want your typical wedding dress that people always saw. And if I had a long dress I didn't want strapless with that bunchy-ness on the bottom half. But mine is strapless and I'm okay with that because it's also short.

All in all, I learned keep what you like about weddings and throw out old ideas that you don't like. Like bouquet toss and garter toss. We are throwing those out. People reluctantly go out on the dance floor for that. And only because other people convinced them to. Unless you are 8 years old.

princess. err, scratch that. LOVE(d).

Every bride should feel like a princess on her wedding day.

Well, I certainly have never dreamt of feeling like a princess on my wedding day. In fact, I don't even desire to be pampered. Because I feel like that is so un-me. And the last thing I want on my wedding day is to not feel like me. Because of this, I am doing my own makeup. If it weren't for the pictures, I would be dressing myself and putting on my own shoes. And if it weren't for a gift card I received I was going to give myself a manicure and a pedicure. The only "pampering" I get is having my hair done. And I wouldn't even consider that pampering.

I think a more important phrase should be, every bride should feel loved on her wedding day.

I'm certainly already feeling that. I have four women (my mom's friends) helping plan all the festivities. Who am I kidding? They ARE planning all the festivities (with my approval). I hate wedding planning but dang, this is the easiest thing I have done. I just say yay or nay and they put it into action. But back to that love thing! Today I was feeling loved when we unloaded a trunk full of flowers bought at the whole sale flower mart in San Francisco. I didn't go on this adventure. My peeps did. They knew what I liked and didn't like. And they got it all for me. Are they being paid to do this? No. Not a dime. They are doing this out of love. They have spent hours brainstorming, planning, shopping, buying, etc. They are amazing women who pour out love into the lives of others. I am eternally grateful to have such a beautiful wedding because they are helping!

Part of me thinks that God is using this time of showering me with love to teach me something. Who am I kidding? God always wants to teach me something! Well, I'm getting it. I've heard the message loud and clear from the get-go! I love you. And I love you this much. And I love you more than that. And I love you more than you'll ever know! And let me show you how much I love you. I get it. God is using others to show me His love. Because before I ever got engaged my fear was that people wouldn't come to my wedding. Because people didn't love me. Well God is changing all of that. I've been so blessed by the generosity of others during this time. I remember one of the first wedding meetings I had with my peeps (the four women helping me) and they were talking and dreaming up all these ideas and I just sat there thinking, seriously? For me? They would do all of this? They don't even have to do this much, but they are. I feel so loved.

Let me just tell you one little story to tie this all together. Some how.

I only invited a couple friends from work due to space capacity at the reception. I work with about 30 other women and out of that I only invited six people I work with. So I never discussed my wedding plans with anyone I wasn't inviting because I didn't want to be rude or anything. Well, the other day I got to work and one of my co-workers told me, someone left you a present! And I saw the writing on the tag and assumed it was one of the parents I knew and thought aw how sweet. Then I opened up the card to see who it was from. I was wrong. In fact I never would have guessed this person would even get me something. This person was one of my co-workers. That I did not invite. And all she got me was some cooking utensils. But the card was the sweetest thing of all. She had written about how she knew I was getting married this weekend and she was praying that it would be a blessing on me and my husband-to-be. And that she thought I did an amazing job working with those crazy two year olds. Seriously, the sweetest thing. I almost cried when I read it because I was so touched by her generosity. The fact that she even thought of me, that she went out, looked up my registry and bought me some of the items off of it meant so much to me. Who knew that a spatula and a ladle would be such a blessing to me! I have reread that card several times just because it brings me this great feeling of being loved and when I feel this, I always think thank you God for loving me through others.

It is such an amazing feeling to be loved so much more than you could/would ever imagine. I wish everyone could just feel a little ounce of what I have felt during this time. Especially brides-to-be. Every time I feel loved on by someone else I always tell myself remember how this feels because you need to do this to others.

And these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:13

ch-ch-changes.

In 15 short days I will be married to the love of my life and I could not be more excited! I can't wait to go to sleep next to him each night and wake up next to him every morning. I can't wait to make our house our home. I can't wait for everything that is mine to be ours. I can't wait for the adventures life will give us. I can't wait to see him every day. I can't wait for him to come home to me every night. I can't wait to take care of him. I have been waiting for this day for 24 years now (okay maybe not since I was an infant but probably since I was like 8 years old). And now, I only have 15 more days to wait. I am so ready to start a new chapter in my life.

But I am also sad to be ending a period of my life that I will never experience again. This period of living at home, being dependent on my mom/having my mom take care of me. A couple months ago I wasn't feeling well for a couple days and I was at home and my mom was home. My mom was taking care of me. And I thought to myself this is the last time my mom will take care of me while I'm sick. And that realization made me sad because everything is changing. Just yesterday I was frustrated with wedding details and the pressure I feel to make the right decision. And I was telling my mom about it while she was sitting on her bed and she just told me, "come here and lay next to me. I'll take care of you." And again this thought pops into my head, this is the last time I will come home and my mom will take care of me. It's always been a tradition in my family that on your birthday there is a present at the foot of your bed when you wake up. As we've grown older it changed to on the floor next to your bed because we probably would've kicked it off while we were sleeping. So being that today is my birthday there was a present outside my door when I woke up this morning. I wasn't expecting it because I only asked for money this year. So it brought a smile to my face that I did get to open one present. But again the thought came to mind, this is the last time I will ever get a present by my bed on my birthday. It's not like I'm afraid Royce won't take care of me. He will. And he'll do a fabulous job. So while I'm thrilled and can't wait to be married, I'm also mourning a part of my life that will never be the same.