can You hear me now?

Lately I've felt like my prayers have been going unheard. Not unanswered, just unheard. I know all the good little church girl answers to the basics of Christianity and prayer and what not. I know that God either says yes, no or wait. So I know that He very well could be telling me to wait, but by-golly I feel like I've been waiting forever now! I'm tired of waiting. I just want my prayers to have definite answers and none of this gray stuff. But I also realize that by waiting God is using that time to teach us to depend on Him and His timing. Because His timing is always on time. Our timing is probably usually always wrong. Even if we think it's right. Because if I had it my way, things would not be where we are at this moment in time. Not in this "waiting" period.

One thing that has been in my prayers almost daily recently (or well, probably since last September) is direction. For myself and for Royce. We have both been feeling stuck in our lives and wishing that we could move on--get married, finish school, start a career, et cetera. It seems like everyone around us is getting married or graduating or finding a "real" job while we're still stuck. And it's really hard to see other people move on and us not be able to. So it's been my, and our, prayer for almost a year now that God will show us which direction to take. Apparently the direction we're currently going and have been going in for the last 4 years is the correct one. There have been a few opportunities for change but the doors have been closed on us. It's frustrating to feel like God is either saying no or wait. I can't wait for the day when He says yes. I think I will be ecstatic to finally have change. To finally feel like a new chapter will begin.

I know that my prayers aren't going unheard. I know that God hears each and every one of them. And I know that He answers each and every one. I suppose my answer has been a repetitive no or wait. I just wish the no's were more clear and the waits were short lived.

Recently I was thinking about this whole prayer thing and I thought, you know, I am always talking to God but when was the last time that I actually listened for God? I know He speaks to us through His word and through other people and just the stirring of our hearts. But I feel like I've been so numb that I am not in tune to hear Him speaking. I feel like I really need to begin honestly, earnestly and whole-heartedly pursing a deep relationship with Him. My relationship with Him is a little one-sided and it's all about what God can do for me. I'm not interested in what God wants me to do, or how God wants me to love others. I'm more interested in God telling me yes or no. This past Sunday the sermon was about salvation. And how we accept the gift but we don't open it. And I feel like that's how my relationship with God is. Yes I have accepted him into my heart but it ends there. Now it's like rubbing the lamp and waiting for the genie to appear. And it shouldn't be. I long for a deep and intimate relationship with Him. I need to get serious.

So here I go.