worry.

I hate the feeling of worry. I hate when things in life occur that I cannot control if I tried. Those things make me worry.

God tells us not to worry. Worrying has no use. This I know. But sometimes, it's hard to follow. I can't help but wonder what the future holds. If what I really want and desire will happen or if the dreaded feeling of disappointment will once again invade my emotions.

I don't understand God's ways sometimes. Just when things seem like they will pick up and everything will be "right" again, something happens. Ideas and plans fall through. Hopes and dreams are dashed. I'm exhausted from being on this roller coaster called life with an unemployed husband.

I don't understand You, God. I don't understand why you dangle things right in front of my eyes and let my skeptical heart feel an ounce of excitement only to pull the thing I want right out of my grasp. Why do we have to keep playing these games? What do I have to do in order for the thing I want to actually happen?! Why do you allow these things to go on for months with some sense of hope and then some sense of hopelessness at the same time? When will this end? Will this ever end? I don't feel like it will.

I can't help but at this moment feel somewhat upset with myself for putting my eggs in one basket. Again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Why did I let this happen again? Why did we waste so much time hoping and praying this one dream would come true only to have it drag out longer than we were told and with more despair seeping in than hope?

Sometimes God (okay, a lot of times), I feel like you gave me the short straw in life. When I compare (yes, I know I shouldn't but I still do) my life compared to those around me who are in my circle, I feel like I got jipped. I know my life isn't terrible. It isn't awful. And others have it worse than I imagine. But this is the life I'm living. And for once I want to feel like as soon as You close one door You quickly open another. I want to forgo the whole practicing patience and waiting on God's never ending "untimeliness". I want to know that everything is going to be okay. I want to know there will be an end soon. Very soon. I want to celebrate something good and be relieved of the stress that weighs me down and puts a strain on my marriage. God I want to know You haven't forgotten about me. You have forgotten that we are hoping and praying this job thing works out in our favor. Please God.

This is a moment by moment struggle I face daily. And some days I'm really good about giving God the weight of my burden. Today I suck. Today I can't take my mind off the events that continue to unfold. Please God, please bring an end to this soon. Please bring a reason to celebrate soon.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

beautiful one, i love you.

Dealing with a loss is difficult. I've experienced a "loss" in the form of dreams that I had for myself, such as certain houses that I desired or jobs. But now, I am experiencing a new loss. A "real" loss.

The loss of a baby.

On Saturday, March 16th, I found out I was pregnant. Something we had been hoping and praying for for the past few months. I was 5 days late for my expected period. And the first thing I did that morning was take a pregnancy test. I was excited and scared when I saw that the test results turned out positive. I showed the results to my husband who was more excited than scared! I spent that morning looking at baby stuff online and trying to price things out. We even casually discussed some names, none of which we liked. I began looking up all sorts of pregnancy things. Like when we were due-- November 16th. And how far along I would be for different occasions, when I would hit my second and third trimester, or when I would be considered full term. I remember waking up for some time in the middle of the night on Saturday and going into the other room to read, the room that would have been the baby's. I remember sitting in there thinking, soon enough this room will hold our child. That first day, we just kept this secret between us. I was anticipating telling everyone, but first, my own mom.

On Sunday, March 17th, my mom came over to help us do some yard work. As soon as she got here I showed her the pregnancy test. I knew she would be elated as she often mentions wanting a grandchild! And I was right! She was so excited! Which made me even more excited. My mom and I then went out to weed my yard and spent most of the time talking about baby stuff. I was so happy I could finally make her dream of being a grandma a reality. She left after about an hour. Royce and I were planning on going to run an errand at the store so I went to the bathroom before we were about to leave. And then I noticed the blood. Immediately I was alarmed. I cleaned myself up, and headed upstairs to call the nurse. After being advised to just rest and making an appointment to see the doctor the following day, I started to research bleeding during the first trimester. I had no idea what to think about this. Some websites would have women writing about how this happened to them and they still had a healthy pregnancy and for others it meant a miscarriage. I hoped for the former and feared the latter.

On Monday I wished I would have called into work. I was not myself but I tried to put on a brave face. I tried to pretend I was okay. But I was so nervous. As the time went on, I was getting the feeling that this was a miscarriage. I finally went to my doctors appointment that afternoon, only to have my fears confirmed. I was in the process of miscarrying.

I was only 5 weeks and 2 days. I had only known about this baby for less than 36 hours. But that didn't stop me from feeling a sense of loss. A loss of dreams. A loss of hope. A loss of a child. I cried. A lot. I tried to focus on other things. And that would temporarily take my mind off the fact that I lost my baby. But every cramp and every passing of blood would remind me of the reality I was in. There wasn't a baby in my womb any more.

And I don't understand it. I don't get why God chose to take this life from me. From us. I may never know on this side of heaven. And I worry for the future, will this happen again? Will I ever have a baby? It's been my dream since I was little to be a mother. I so badly want to be a mother. I can only pray that God will fulfill the desire in His timing.

And that's the thing, it's His timing. Not mine. Which I'm slowly learning that my timing and God's are rarely on track, but I think mine is best until I see that His is actually best. So I'm reminding myself of the times God has taken care of me, the times He has shown me that His plans are far better than mine. That His ways are not my ways.

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways' declares the Lord."--Isaiah 55:8

I know when I get to heaven one day there will be a baby there to welcome me. My baby.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."--Psalm 139:13

it's not you. or is it?

So apparently Rejection and I have become quite acquainted to the point that we're pretty much best friends now. I've known Rejection very well for the past couple of years. Every now and again she comes to visit. Sometimes I'm okay with it and other times I hate when she arrives.

Today I hate it.

For the first couple of years she came in the form of a rejection from jobs that my husband or I have applied for. Now those ones I've been able to deal with because I have learned not to get too emotionally involved or attached. In fact, with the exception of one, I have just pretty much rolled them off my back when I've learned that nothing would come to pass. One of them, however, was pretty hard to deal with. Because there were some promises made that weren't followed through with. I think this was the first time I had met Rejection. And it was difficult. So I learned not to expect anything after my husband or I applied for a job.

But then Rejection came in the form of a desired home purchase. So far she's arrived twice. The first time she came after we placed an offer on a home was not too disappointing. I wasn't sure how I felt about the home but decided to go for it anyway. But the second time she arrived was today.

Today I hate her.

We looked at a home over the weekend that took me awhile to warm up to. And maybe that was the problem. We took too long. But we eventually fell in love with this little house. It seemed to meet our desires in almost every area. And we were dreaming of what we would do to make it ours. We imagined ourselves living there. Planning what colors we would paint the rooms, how we would landscape the yard, where we would put the furniture.

But then we found out that other offers were put in before ours so we are pretty much out of the running. I was extremely disappointed to find this out. I thought we actually had a good shot at this place.

I hate Rejection.

I keep returning to a conversation I had with God in the bathroom at work last week (random spot, I know!). It was  just a brief conversation that went something like this:

Me: I never get what I want.
God: You're seeking my plan aren't you?
Me: Yes. I want what You have planned for my life.
God: Then what you want isn't always what I have in store. If you continually pray for my will to be done and I do it my way, that doesn't always look like what you planned. But it's what I planned. And that's what you asked for.
Me: I know. But I hate it.
God: But you don't know what I have in store. I'll show you when it's time.

In my head I know that if I am seeking to do God's will and wanting Him to have control in my life, the outcome is not always what I have planned. But at the same time my heart desires things that apparently God doesn't have in store for me. What a struggle that is! I want my head and heart to align with God's plan but I seem to always be off track.

This seems to be a lesson of control. I think I know what is best. But I pray for God's best. Maybe he's using these situations to show me that what I think I know isn't always what is best for my life.

Maybe one day I'll meet Rejection's polar opposite friend, Acceptance. 

But for now I'll just keep praying for my desires to be the same as God's will.

a dry spell

Lately I've been feeling like my spiritual life is stale. For the life of me I could not get myself to desire to open my Bible, to spend time with God, to experience some sort of emotion on a spiritual level. It's not that I didn't want to. I wanted to so badly feel something for God. But I felt like I was going through a dry season. And I prayed on several occasions that God would keep calling my name. That He would keep drawing me back to Him.

I think yesterday I had a breakthrough.

And I liked it.

In fact, I loved it.

Normally I would just put spending time with God on my checklist for the day. Something to mark off. But this time I spent a considerable amount of time. Enjoying it. And then later in the evening when I normally would have picked up my computer to entertain me, I picked up my Bible and read some more. Same thing this morning. Just spent time with God. Enjoying it. Soaking it in. Thinking about what I was actually reading.

Slowly I am coming out of my dry spell.

Thank God. Literally.

i'm a republican. i think.

I am a registered republican voter. Do I really know what that means? No. I just know some basic values that republicans are apparently supposed to share and I said, sure that's me. Now don't go all crazy on me because I'm not educated enough on my party. I know that. But party shmarty. It's not how I will define myself.

This whole idea of me wanting to write about political parties started because I was reading some article on September 11th. And then I was praying about some things. And I started to pray about our country and for the next president. And I prayed, God please rise up the right person to take office next; regardless of their party.

I am not a very political person. But it was always one of my favorite subjects in school. So I do enjoy it somewhat.

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who get caught up in their party being eternally right and everyone else being wrong. Because in my opinion we should be voting for the individual who we agree with, not necessarily the party. Because sometimes the person who is representing my party doesn't represent my values, morals or beliefs. And sometimes, the person who is representing my opposing party does. Should I vote for someone solely based on party or should I vote for someone who shares my beliefs. I understand that typically the person representing your chosen party shares your beliefs but that doesn't always make them the right person, does it?

I have a facebook friend who is a pastor. His political view is listed as "just try to vote like Jesus." And that is how I believe voting should be. If I am supposed to try to bring the kingdom of God here on Earth, shouldn't I be siding with people whose views, opinions and beliefs are closer to that than someone who represents my party? It shouldn't matter if the person is republican, democrat, green party, etc.

So instead of focusing solely on parties, I want to focus solely on the individuals running.

And then vote like Jesus.

the cure.

I have self-diagnosed anxiety. This is something that I've dealt with for a few years now. Although a doctor has yet to tell me that I suffer from it. Probably because I haven't been to a doctor for it. It's not enough to make want to see a doctor and take some meds for it. But I do experience moderate levels of anxiety. But this post is not about whether or not I have anxiety. It's more than that.

It's about God speaking to me. In a very cool way. Let me explain.

This morning I was spending some time reading my Bible and having a little prayer/conversation with God. I think a lot of the time my conversations with God are repetitive because a lot of the time God is telling me, trust me. And that is very difficult for me. Not because I don't believe God can be trusted but because I get in the way. I think I have it all figured out. Or more than likely, I am just too impatient to wait for God's timing. But back to my conversation with God. I have anxiety about the end times. All the natural disasters occurring and what not. I just want to ignore it because it brings about stress and anxiety. So this morning my conversation was semi-centered around that. And there it is again, God telling me, trust me. And then I get this feeling (okay more like God telling me) that I should open my Bible to read something. And then Psalm 56 is pressed on my heart. And I'm just thinking, okay this is myself trying to make something "spiritual." But I turn to Psalm 56 and this is what it says:

Be merciful to me, my God,

for my enemies are in hot pursuit;

all day long they press their attack,

My adversaries pursue me all day long;

in their pride many are attacking me.

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

In God, whose word I praise--

In God I trust and am not afraid.

What can mere mortals do to me?

All day long they twist my words;

all their schemes are for my ruin.

They conspire, they lurk,

they watch my steps,

hoping to take my life.

Because of their wickedness do not let them escape;

In your anger, God, bring the nations down.

Record my misery,

list my tears on your scroll--

are they not in your record?

Then my enemies will turn back

when I call for help.

By this I will know that God is for me.

In God, whose word I praise,

In the Lord, whose word I praise--

in God I trust and am not afraid.

What can man do to me?

I am under vows to you, my God;

I will present my thank offerings to you.

For you have delivered me from death

and my feet from stumbling,

that I may walk before God

in the light of life.

This is God. Speaking to me. This is exactly what I needed to hear.

When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you, God.

wedding planning 101.

I'm having difficulty sleeping so I figured I would just blog. My idea: what I've learned about weddings through wedding planning.

1. Tradition is out. Sort of.

There are several things that are traditionally done at a wedding that I'm not doing. For starters, I am not having programs. But in lieu of that I did make a chalkboard that will sit in the lobby of the church to serve as my program. It has all the important info: who is in the wedding and a special thanks. No one has to know what song is being played when and what the order of service is. It's typical protestant church wedding stuff. The other thing that is most traditional that I threw out is cake. Yep. No wedding cake will be served at my wedding. Royce and I hate cake. So why would we want to eat it at our own wedding? So instead we're serving one of our favorite things that we rarely indulge in--doughnuts. We are having a "cake" table and the doughnuts will be displayed beautifully. And we will even halve a doughnut to feed each other.

2. The best weddings are the ones that scream BRIDE & GROOM

I mean their signature is all over the wedding. From the flowers, to the dress, to the music, to the food. They have their thumbprint all over it. This pretty much goes hand in hand with the first topic. But I'll give you some examples of how our stamp is all over our wedding: first off, the dress. I never wanted a poofy dress with all the frills and frump. I knew this going in. So I had my eyes set on a flowy, floor length, simple dress. I tried it on. Didn't hate it. Didn't love it. And then I tried on another dress, and another dress, and another dress and you get the picture. I went dress shopping two times. The first time I was very picky because I thought I knew what I want. The second time I was more open to other ideas. I tried on all different dresses the second time. And I knew I was getting closer and closer with each one but still hadn't found "the one." Well the lady helping me pulled a couple short dresses off the rack and I told her I didn't want to try them on because I felt like getting married in a church I couldn't have a short dress and if I tried on a short dress I would fall in love. She insisted I try it on. So I did. And guess what? I fell in love. And I bought it. I am totally a short dress kinda girl. Another place our stamp is on is the food. We are serving heavy hors d'oeuvres. At first I wasn't keen on this idea as I had never seen it done before. But I warmed up to it. And now I'm so excited for it. Because I keep describing it like Costco samples. And I love Costco. For their samples. And so does Royce.

3. Weddings are more fun when they are unique.

I've been to several weddings. But none of them made me ooh and ahh and think, wow this is so fun! Instead they were more like the first one, and then second one, and the third one, and the... It was all the typical stuff you see at a wedding. I keep describing mine as the wedding I've never been to. It isn't the kind where you have assigned seats or you find your own table. Because there won't be enough chairs and tables for everyone. Instead it's more of a mingling and conversational atmosphere. There is no head table. No sweetheart table. But I guess you could say we have a sweetheart couch. The food and drinks will all be in different locations so you'll have to move around to get it. And hopefully when you move, you'll bump into someone you know and strike up a conversation.

4. Some traditions are great to keep!

There are things we aren't throwing out. Like dancing. And typical dances. First dance. Father/daughter dance. And fast dancing. That's something I'm most looking forward to. We also are using two traditional songs during the processional. Canon in D for the bridesmaids walking down the aisle and Bridal Chorus (Here Comes the Bride) for the bride walking down the aisle. The rest of the music isn't as traditional. But it's mostly all instrumental which is traditional-ish. For the most part, the ceremony is pretty traditional with communion and unity candle lighting.

5. The more unique you strive for, the harder the preparations become.

I learned this early on. Before getting engaged my dream wedding was vintage. Green, brown, ivory, lace. After getting engaged my wedding evolved into modern. Very modern. Green, gray, white, tin metal. I'm not having roses anywhere for flowers. I saw my flowers, I don't even know what kind of flowers they are because they are so unique (thanks to my peeps)! Early on we wanted to play acoustic love songs during the prelude (seating of guests). That became a difficult hunt to find the right songs to play. And then I didn't feel like getting all 15 of the songs lyrics approved so we tossed that idea out. We also tried to find current day songs in an instrumental version for people to walk down the aisle. Nothing felt just right. So we nixed it. Having a short dress meant having cute shoes because they would show. I said this was going to be the death of me. And I felt like it was for several weeks. Until I found the perfect ones. And back to my dress. The whole time I was trying on dresses, I would ask the lady how many people have you sold this dress to? I was always looking for the answer, very few. Or hardly ever sell it. Or I have only sold two of them. <---That was the answer I got for my dress. Which made it even more perfect! I didn't want your typical wedding dress that people always saw. And if I had a long dress I didn't want strapless with that bunchy-ness on the bottom half. But mine is strapless and I'm okay with that because it's also short.

All in all, I learned keep what you like about weddings and throw out old ideas that you don't like. Like bouquet toss and garter toss. We are throwing those out. People reluctantly go out on the dance floor for that. And only because other people convinced them to. Unless you are 8 years old.

princess. err, scratch that. LOVE(d).

Every bride should feel like a princess on her wedding day.

Well, I certainly have never dreamt of feeling like a princess on my wedding day. In fact, I don't even desire to be pampered. Because I feel like that is so un-me. And the last thing I want on my wedding day is to not feel like me. Because of this, I am doing my own makeup. If it weren't for the pictures, I would be dressing myself and putting on my own shoes. And if it weren't for a gift card I received I was going to give myself a manicure and a pedicure. The only "pampering" I get is having my hair done. And I wouldn't even consider that pampering.

I think a more important phrase should be, every bride should feel loved on her wedding day.

I'm certainly already feeling that. I have four women (my mom's friends) helping plan all the festivities. Who am I kidding? They ARE planning all the festivities (with my approval). I hate wedding planning but dang, this is the easiest thing I have done. I just say yay or nay and they put it into action. But back to that love thing! Today I was feeling loved when we unloaded a trunk full of flowers bought at the whole sale flower mart in San Francisco. I didn't go on this adventure. My peeps did. They knew what I liked and didn't like. And they got it all for me. Are they being paid to do this? No. Not a dime. They are doing this out of love. They have spent hours brainstorming, planning, shopping, buying, etc. They are amazing women who pour out love into the lives of others. I am eternally grateful to have such a beautiful wedding because they are helping!

Part of me thinks that God is using this time of showering me with love to teach me something. Who am I kidding? God always wants to teach me something! Well, I'm getting it. I've heard the message loud and clear from the get-go! I love you. And I love you this much. And I love you more than that. And I love you more than you'll ever know! And let me show you how much I love you. I get it. God is using others to show me His love. Because before I ever got engaged my fear was that people wouldn't come to my wedding. Because people didn't love me. Well God is changing all of that. I've been so blessed by the generosity of others during this time. I remember one of the first wedding meetings I had with my peeps (the four women helping me) and they were talking and dreaming up all these ideas and I just sat there thinking, seriously? For me? They would do all of this? They don't even have to do this much, but they are. I feel so loved.

Let me just tell you one little story to tie this all together. Some how.

I only invited a couple friends from work due to space capacity at the reception. I work with about 30 other women and out of that I only invited six people I work with. So I never discussed my wedding plans with anyone I wasn't inviting because I didn't want to be rude or anything. Well, the other day I got to work and one of my co-workers told me, someone left you a present! And I saw the writing on the tag and assumed it was one of the parents I knew and thought aw how sweet. Then I opened up the card to see who it was from. I was wrong. In fact I never would have guessed this person would even get me something. This person was one of my co-workers. That I did not invite. And all she got me was some cooking utensils. But the card was the sweetest thing of all. She had written about how she knew I was getting married this weekend and she was praying that it would be a blessing on me and my husband-to-be. And that she thought I did an amazing job working with those crazy two year olds. Seriously, the sweetest thing. I almost cried when I read it because I was so touched by her generosity. The fact that she even thought of me, that she went out, looked up my registry and bought me some of the items off of it meant so much to me. Who knew that a spatula and a ladle would be such a blessing to me! I have reread that card several times just because it brings me this great feeling of being loved and when I feel this, I always think thank you God for loving me through others.

It is such an amazing feeling to be loved so much more than you could/would ever imagine. I wish everyone could just feel a little ounce of what I have felt during this time. Especially brides-to-be. Every time I feel loved on by someone else I always tell myself remember how this feels because you need to do this to others.

And these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:13

ch-ch-changes.

In 15 short days I will be married to the love of my life and I could not be more excited! I can't wait to go to sleep next to him each night and wake up next to him every morning. I can't wait to make our house our home. I can't wait for everything that is mine to be ours. I can't wait for the adventures life will give us. I can't wait to see him every day. I can't wait for him to come home to me every night. I can't wait to take care of him. I have been waiting for this day for 24 years now (okay maybe not since I was an infant but probably since I was like 8 years old). And now, I only have 15 more days to wait. I am so ready to start a new chapter in my life.

But I am also sad to be ending a period of my life that I will never experience again. This period of living at home, being dependent on my mom/having my mom take care of me. A couple months ago I wasn't feeling well for a couple days and I was at home and my mom was home. My mom was taking care of me. And I thought to myself this is the last time my mom will take care of me while I'm sick. And that realization made me sad because everything is changing. Just yesterday I was frustrated with wedding details and the pressure I feel to make the right decision. And I was telling my mom about it while she was sitting on her bed and she just told me, "come here and lay next to me. I'll take care of you." And again this thought pops into my head, this is the last time I will come home and my mom will take care of me. It's always been a tradition in my family that on your birthday there is a present at the foot of your bed when you wake up. As we've grown older it changed to on the floor next to your bed because we probably would've kicked it off while we were sleeping. So being that today is my birthday there was a present outside my door when I woke up this morning. I wasn't expecting it because I only asked for money this year. So it brought a smile to my face that I did get to open one present. But again the thought came to mind, this is the last time I will ever get a present by my bed on my birthday. It's not like I'm afraid Royce won't take care of me. He will. And he'll do a fabulous job. So while I'm thrilled and can't wait to be married, I'm also mourning a part of my life that will never be the same.

with this ring...

We aren't writing our own vows but I thought I would take some time to write mine out as if we were going to write them ourselves. Because I felt inspired today as I went through my memory box. So here goes my rough draft...

Royce,

Do you remember when we first started emailing each other and talking on the phone? Before we ever met in person. Do you remember how we would joke that it would be crazy if we ever get married? Well, look at us now; standing before all our family and friends. Who knew five years and two days ago we would be here?! I remember getting ready for my first date with you and telling my mom if I didn't marry you I would be heart broken. And then I told you this later that night. Somehow we knew from the start that there was something special about our relationship, about us.

You and I would be the first to say that our relationship is not perfect, in fact its far from it. We've had our fair share of ups and downs over the past five years. One thing I know for sure about us though, is we are fighters. We are determined to make this work. Even when times are tough we dig our heels in even further and fight head on. You could probably say we are very strong willed in our relationship. So it's easy to assume that this will be carried into our marriage. Because I am not going down without the fight of our lives.

I praise God that he brought us together. Only He knew exactly what kind of man I need. You fit it perfectly. You have taught me so much about love and what it means to serve one another. I only hope that I can reciprocate the love and service you have shown me. I promise to love you for the rest of my life. And I promise that I will continue fight for our relationship because it means too much to me. You mean too much to me.

I love you with all that I am.

note to self.

Various situations that have occurred in the past couple of months have finally made me realize something about me. I suppose you could call it a fault.

I have attitude.

I would say the majority of the time I give attitude (or the impression that I'm being mean, rude, etc.) is not something that I have at all intended to do. Since high school I have been aware that the way I come off to other people is not always pleasant even if it is unintentional. I suppose that is why I would hear from other people in high school that people who didn't really know me described me as being "mean." And with all honesty, I rarely have any intention of being mean to others. I rarely have the intention of giving others attitude.

I know that a lot (or all) of this stems from the way that I handle things. I would say that I am very opinionated and I will make my opinions known if given the chance. I will not back down in an argument--and not because I want to win or prove a point but because I really do believe what I am saying. That part may just come from my family background simply because all of my family members are the same way. I am also very head strong. I am feisty. I will not give up. And I will battle you till I'm satisfied that you see my point of view.

Though I do hate confrontation. Or at least initiating it. I will avoid it at all costs if I can.

Back to my attitude though. I really need to work on the way I deliver or present my ideas and myself to others. I hate that I am often told that people think I am being rude, or giving attitude or the sense that I don't like them. Because again, hardly ever is that true. As I drove home from work today I realized that I need to change this part of me. And I need to change it pronto because I am tired of the misconceptions.

My solution: ask God to help me speak lovingly to those around me. I need to let Jesus transform the way I interact with others. I want Christ's love and grace to be evident in my actions and the words I speak. I cannot hand out His love and grace on my own. I need Him to work through me. So I will begin praying that I will be more loving towards others with my words. That when I feel like I am beginning to fail I will call on the name of Jesus to help me. I do not want people to feel like I am being rude or mean.

And when I do fail, I want to have the courage and the humility to ask for forgiveness.

can You hear me now?

Lately I've felt like my prayers have been going unheard. Not unanswered, just unheard. I know all the good little church girl answers to the basics of Christianity and prayer and what not. I know that God either says yes, no or wait. So I know that He very well could be telling me to wait, but by-golly I feel like I've been waiting forever now! I'm tired of waiting. I just want my prayers to have definite answers and none of this gray stuff. But I also realize that by waiting God is using that time to teach us to depend on Him and His timing. Because His timing is always on time. Our timing is probably usually always wrong. Even if we think it's right. Because if I had it my way, things would not be where we are at this moment in time. Not in this "waiting" period.

One thing that has been in my prayers almost daily recently (or well, probably since last September) is direction. For myself and for Royce. We have both been feeling stuck in our lives and wishing that we could move on--get married, finish school, start a career, et cetera. It seems like everyone around us is getting married or graduating or finding a "real" job while we're still stuck. And it's really hard to see other people move on and us not be able to. So it's been my, and our, prayer for almost a year now that God will show us which direction to take. Apparently the direction we're currently going and have been going in for the last 4 years is the correct one. There have been a few opportunities for change but the doors have been closed on us. It's frustrating to feel like God is either saying no or wait. I can't wait for the day when He says yes. I think I will be ecstatic to finally have change. To finally feel like a new chapter will begin.

I know that my prayers aren't going unheard. I know that God hears each and every one of them. And I know that He answers each and every one. I suppose my answer has been a repetitive no or wait. I just wish the no's were more clear and the waits were short lived.

Recently I was thinking about this whole prayer thing and I thought, you know, I am always talking to God but when was the last time that I actually listened for God? I know He speaks to us through His word and through other people and just the stirring of our hearts. But I feel like I've been so numb that I am not in tune to hear Him speaking. I feel like I really need to begin honestly, earnestly and whole-heartedly pursing a deep relationship with Him. My relationship with Him is a little one-sided and it's all about what God can do for me. I'm not interested in what God wants me to do, or how God wants me to love others. I'm more interested in God telling me yes or no. This past Sunday the sermon was about salvation. And how we accept the gift but we don't open it. And I feel like that's how my relationship with God is. Yes I have accepted him into my heart but it ends there. Now it's like rubbing the lamp and waiting for the genie to appear. And it shouldn't be. I long for a deep and intimate relationship with Him. I need to get serious.

So here I go.

to the current me.

Dear Me,

Where have you been? Remember when you used to be fun and care free? Full of life and always looking for a way to have a good time. What happened? It hasn't been that long. You're more serious now. I don't like it.

I miss the 18 year old you. The one who spent summer nights with her three best friends swimming in a pool and then jumping on the trampoline soaking wet. The girl who would laugh until her stomach hurt with her friends. I miss that girl who was adventurous and had very few fears. I miss the girl who got a thrill from doing things outside her element. I miss that girl who could balance friends, boyfriend, family and work so perfectly. I miss the girl who had silly stories to share with everyone about some crazy adventure she had taken. I miss the girl who loved to get all dressed up just to take pictures. I miss the girl who constantly thanked God for the beautiful life she had because despite how ugly it could be, she saw the glass half full.

But now. Now there aren't very many silly stories of crazy adventures. Crazy adventures are a thing of the past, stuck in the 18 year old you. Some how they didn't make it into the early 20's. Now there are not any more swimming and trampoline jumping nights. No more looking at the stars and talking about life with your best friends. No more playing dress up. Now there are more fears in you than there ever were. Now you can hardly balance work, school, a boyfriend, friends and family. What happened when you turned 23? Or 22? Or even 21? Life just seemed to slip by without giving it a second glance. And now you look back and wonder where that 18 year old girl got lost. Because now you so desperately wish to bring her back. In high school your life motto was live without regrets. And you earnestly believed it and lived it. Shamefully, now you're looking back on the past few years regretfully.

Let me give you some advice so you don't regret how you live the next few years: be spontaneous. Don't worry about always having to plan your trips out of town. Just go. And explore. And be adventurous! Look at the stars more. Some of the best conversations, some of the silliest stories and some of the most memorable moments come from these times. You've been dying to watch a good--no wait, beautiful--sunset for months now. Do it. Drive out to the lake. Better yet, drive out to the beach. Don't worry about tomorrow's obligations. Don't worry about the time. Just do it. And enjoy the beauty God has created for you to enjoy. Call your friends more. Just to say hi. Call them when you think about them or remember something from your past. Be the friend you're dying to have. Be the friend you once were. Don't restrict your activities because of your fears. Your mother has always admired your bravery. Let go of your fears and bring back the courage of that 18 year old girl. Explore your surroundings more. Even in your hometown. Find things you never found before. Take more pictures. You'll back at the pictures with fond memories. Finally, let your hair down. Don't be so serious. Life doesn't have to be serious all of the time. Don't let the 23 year old in you suck the life out of you. Bring back that 18 year old girl who was care free and open to whatever life threw at her. You may be old(er), but you're not that old.

Let go. And live.

Love,
Me

You're never out of reach.

Stress.

Anxiety.

Those are two words I would use to describe my mental state lately. I have been feeling quite stressed out. And the built up stress turns into anxiety about whatever it is in the future that I'm stressing out about. Ugh. I really don't like it and I wish I could just calm down and breathe. I am appreciative of the times when my mind is completely distracted by my surroundings because then I am free from the grip the stress has on my life. What's worse, is that I have a very hard time vocalizing this. For two reasons. Number one, I'm so stressed out that I'd rather not discuss it because then I'm like oh let's just go over this AGAIN. Number two, I want to forget about it and avoid it rather then open up and talk about it. Put the two together and I am internally avoiding the whole situation which does nothing in order to help me.

So I'm feeling a little stressed out with school which really isn't that bad but it kind of is. I need to find a partner asap and I'm just feeling pressure because the time is running low. I want to just get the project out of the way but I need someone to work with first. This stressor should be over within a few days and hopefully by tomorrow afternoon when I get to class.

The other reason I'm feeling stressed? Yesterday I found out that my mom has skin cancer. It's squamous cell carcinoma, which apparently isn't as bad as melanoma because that is more deadly. Anyway, she told me it's not the worse skin cancer to have and the treatment is typically outpatient done at the doctors office. The survival rate is very high at 95%. So I guess if she were to have to have skin cancer this is a good one to have (but really, is there a "good" cancer?). She's not scared so she said I shouldn't be scared. But I am a little worried. I'm hung up on the word cancer. Cancer. It's such an awful word and has terrible associations. When someone is diagnosed with cancer you usually don't brush it off your shoulder like, so how 'bout them yankees? No. Panic and fear set in and you're like, crap is this the end? What's the success rate? What are my treatment options? Am I going to DIE? I feel like I shouldn't take this lightly. I feel like we should be getting on treatment asap. Not just casually waiting until the insurance will approve it and the doctor is back from vacation. Seriously? Shouldn't we be like, get in, get out and HURRY. I don't know how to feel about it because my experience with cancer is not positive. And I feel like "good" cancer is an oxymoron. There is no such thing as "good" cancer.

So today I read the story about the Syro-Phonecian woman in the Bible. She had a daughter who was being possessed by demons and she heard that Jesus was in town. Interestingly, this woman was a Gentile and Jesus was in a Gentile town. She found Jesus and asked Him to come heal her daughter. He basically ignored her for some time. And then finally after her repeated begging He told her that the children's bread shouldn't be fed to the dogs. And she replied that the dogs get to eat the crumbs off the floor. And then He praised her for her faith and told her that her daughter was healed. And basically, she believed in Jesus and what He could do that she was persistent in asking for His healing. And that's how we're supposed to treat our prayer lives. We should be persistent in prayers because God will answer our prayers. So that's what I'm trying to do right now. I've prayed numerous times today. I'm praying for school. I'm praying for my mom.

I'm praying for peace.

beautiful now.

So I am super analytical. I analyze people, situations, the future, relationships, etc. way too much. Probably too much for my own good. It's a little ridiculous. But at the same time, I'm quite fond of myself.

I'm also a thinker. I guess this goes hand in hand with being analytical. I think and process things so much as well. But I do think about all sorts of things all the time.

I'm also very internal. I keep everything in. I bottle it all up until I have to let it all go. I hate this side of me. I fight my own battles inside my mind because I don't open my mouth. I ruminate. I analyze everything over and over and over and over again inside. I hold onto things and have the hardest time letting them go. Especially emotions. Because the emotions are so real to me. They have affected me in one way or another. And I don't know how to let them go because just letting them roll off my back doesn't allow for the proper burial. So instead, I hold on to them and somewhere down the road I'll let them go. And somewhere down the road, all at once, I'll unload my bucket of emotions. And hope that I can properly deal with the issues. But once I face them I bring back all of the emotions that went along with them. Which sometimes means that this unloading can become quite messy and complicated because not everything will make sense and hardly anything sounds related.

Being an internal type of person also means that I carry a great amount of stress and anxiety with me. I stress myself out thinking about things. And then my stress produces anxiety. And then I'm so stressed I can't eat or talk to people about what I'm stressed about because it causes even more stress. And in the rare occasion that I do tell someone about what's going on, its like word vomit. I don't want everything to come up but it does. And I can't stop myself. I just try to give them a glimpse of what's going and then--oh what's this? Word vomit! And now I'm giving away more information than I intended. And now I've got word vomit going on and I'm starting to get worried that they're getting annoyed or bored with what I'm saying. But I can't stop myself from talking.

Being analytical, a thinker, and internal all go together so well. But it sucks to suffer from all three. And it's difficult to break the cycle of them. Because if I could with the snap of my fingers I would.

I guess that's something I need to work on.

desiring change.

My plan for the past couple years has been:

1. graduate college with BA in psychology

2. start substitute teaching

3. go to grad school for school counseling

4. graduate with MA in school counseling

5. start career as a school counselor

6. go to grad school for marriage family therapy

7. graduate with MA in MFT

8. do private practice or school counseling

But lately different factors have occurred that make me wonder if my plans could potentially change. But the thing is I have no plan B. That list of 8 was all I had, and if one fell through I don't know what my next plan would be. Currently I have not accomplished number 1 but I'm already doubting number 2.

I love my job. I love who I work with. I love hanging out with kids all day. I love it all. Except the money. It's no surprise that I make nothing working at a private preschool. And I've always said, I definitely don't work there for the money. Which is still true. But now I'm feeling like I'm stuck. I can't move on with my life. I can't get married because I don't want to be scraping by hoping to make it this month. I can't move out because I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to support myself financially. I am afraid of buying a new car because I'm worried that I won't be able to make payments. Now I'm feeling like money is a motivating factor in all of this. I can't really get a raise because I don't qualify. I don't have the right units to be a teacher which would help me make slightly more than I do. And I don't want to get the right units because I don't plan on doing this for the next X amount of years nor is it my major. I just feel like I would be spending money to make more money. That doesn't work for me. So what do I do?

I've never really looked into another job for the past 3 years but now I'm thinking I should at least see what's out there. I don't have any plan for switching jobs. Quite frankly I don't want to because I'm afraid there won't be any security. I don't want to quit this job, get a new job and then soon after lose the new job. So what do I do?

I feel stuck. I want to move on with my life. So what do I do?

My new plan A: pray.

beautiful life.

i like my life. i really do. but i feel like there are some things i just wish i could change. maybe these changes would make it better. maybe they would just enhance the greatness that already exists within it.

i feel like sometimes i get so stuck on what i DON'T have; what my life is lacking; what i wish would be different. i think i need to change my outlook on this. because when i'm focusing on what i don't have or what i wish i had, i fail to realize what i DO have. i suppose this is something that i've always needed to work on. because God has truly blessed me beyond measure and it's a shame that i don't acknowledge this because i'm so focused on what is not there.

for so long i felt God was just too distant from me. i couldn't figure out how to get Him to draw near to me. and in mid february i think i finally realized the distance was the cause of myself. God is always near. God is always waiting and willing to be close. He longs for this, He longs to converse with His children just like a physical, earthly parent does. it's not God that is distant, it is myself. so i took action and opened up my Bible and spent time learning more about Him through the life of Jesus. and i was blown away. i started to see God personally rather than just through what i've learned from others throughout my life. and i began to see a pattern through all of my studying--God is love. plain and simple. He is all about love. and as cliche as the idea of love is, it really can change everything. so if i just love other a little more maybe i'll see a change in my life.

another thing i think God has taught me lately is about judgement. i've slowly been reading this great book called unChristian. there was a chapter devoted to christians being too judgmental in the eyes of outsiders. and i think that is a fair assessment. i would agree that we tend to be come off as or actually are too judgmental. and then i read this amazing quote from c.s. lewis that said "there is someone i love, even though i do not approve of what he does. there is someone i accept, though his thoughts and actions revolt me. there is someone i forgive, though he hurts the people i love the most. that person is me." that just baffled me. it has since changed my perspective about dealing with others faults and sins. it humbly reminds me that i am no better than they are. if i can remember this quote when i am tempted to judge others then i can extend grace to them. so if i can extend grace a little more maybe i'll see a change in my life.

i can't wait for others to change so my life will be better. i need to put in the effort. i need to make the change. and i think i'm beginning to realize that it all begins with me.

here's to a more promising future!

realizations.

God is at work in my heart. I have prayed for Him to stir my heart for probably years now but it hasn't been until recently that I've actually taken action and gotten serious. I wish I could say I've made leaps and bounds but the truth is it's a slow process. It's only been a couple weeks now but still, I am so excited with this change.

And through this change of heart I have finally come to realize one of the things that God has blessed me with. I was so stuck on what God did NOT bless me with that for so long I missed what he DID bless me with--a heart for broken people. It's beginning to make sense to me now. I have always been so intrigued with people who have stories of brokenness but even more intrigued when their stories end with redemption. Ever since I decided psychology was going to be my major I have always, always, always felt like this is exactly where I belong. So often I sit in class, learning new things, and think to myself I was made for this!

Another realization I've had over the past few months is that I do not want to limit my possibilities with what I want to do with my life. After getting my bachelors I want to get my masters. I actually want to get two similar yet different masters--one in school counseling and one in marriage and family therapy. I do not want to limit my future. And even more so, I think I might want to do more than counseling.

Yesterday I was spending some time reading unChristian and a small portion of the book was about this organization called To Write Love on Her Arms. I had heard of this before but never really knew what it was about. I decided to look it up and found that this organization is dedicated to people who are broken. People who are experiencing addiction, abuse, self injury, suicidal thoughts, etc. This is all stuff that I am so interested in. I want to get involved but I don't really know how. I hardly know anything about this organization but I am so intrigued by the few things I do know.

During lunch today, Royce told me to let myself dream. Because since I looked up To Write Love on Her Arms, I cannot stop thinking about it. And today during worship, I thought about how cool it would be to start an organization along the same lines as TWLOHA. I would love to be involved in something like that and I thought it would be so neat if Royce could gather people together for a band and we'd have a guest speaker and travel the country doing tours. This would be amazing to get involved with broken people. I mentioned this idea to Royce and he said I need to let myself dream.

So as of right now, my goals in life are:

• get married
• have children
• be a stay at home mom
• be a school counselor
• be a marriage and family therapist
• potentially start my own organization or get involved in one like TWLOHA
• be involved in Big Brothers/Big Sisters
• write a book on dating or marriage
• make a difference in someone's life

A new song that I am currently into right now is called Let the Waters Rise by Mikeschair. I guess I feel part of this song really resonates with me:

don't know where to begin

it's like my world's caving in

and i try but i can't control my fear

where do i go from here

sometimes it so hard to pray

when You feel so far away

but i am willing to go where you want me to

God i trust in You

there's a raging sea

right in front of me

wants to pull me in

bring me to my knees

so let the waters rise

if you want them to

i will follow You

holy, holy, holy

I enjoyed the worship at church today. There is something about the simple acoustic set where all I hear is Royce singing. For some reason, the more simple the set up, the less distracted I am. When it's just Royce and his guitar I am so drawn to him and to God. Some of the best worship experiences I've had are when it's just the guitar and him. In the simple sets, I can focus on the lyrics and have been able to really let those sink in and come from my heart. It's been awhile since that has happened and today was just a slight glimpse of that again.

So while I was sitting there enjoying the sweet sound of my love's voice and reflecting on how amazing God really is, I was thinking about other things too (it's amazing how well women can multitask). One of the thoughts to cross my mind--and really just so briefly--was marriage. Seriously, the idea flashed for like a second and then I began to entertain it. And I felt like God was telling me your time will come. And then I was thinking about how long I have been dating Royce and how we have no idea what the future holds for us. We have some amazing ideas but those are simply our wishes, we have no clue what the timing is. And then I thought how God is totally orchestrating this. I really believe that as the time goes on I am becoming more ready and more prepared for marriage. And maybe with my history this is what is needed in order to build a solid marriage. We have rough spots but we are no where near what we used to be. And only by the grace of God have we been able to pull through all of this. When I think about how amazing it is that Royce is not perfect yet so perfect for me, I am in awe. And even though I feel like everyone is getting married before me (and most haven't even dated as long as we have!) I know that God has the perfect plan in store for us.

And while all this is going on in my mind, the song "Open the Eyes of My Heart" is being sung and coincidentally it's during the holy, holy, holy part and I feel that God has control my life and my future and for that He is holy.

And these lyrics become real to me.

latest readings.

So lately I've been reading the book of Daniel in the Bible. And honestly, I really, really enjoy it. I think of all the Old Testament books I've read (which isn't very much) I can look at this one and really get something from it. I just find it so amazing how Daniel truly loves God and worships Him. He knows that God will take care of him because he has been faithful.

I just finished reading Daniel in the lion's den. I have always read that story in the children's Bible but that was about it. I was surprised to find out that Daniel was in his 90s when he was put in the lion's den. Anyway, the whole reason he got put in there was because some people convinced the king to make a law that no one could pray to any God, only the king, for the next 30 days. Well, Daniel didn't care about this rule and decided to keep on praying three times a day to God. The consequences are obvious (getting put in the lion's den) but God spared him and shut the mouths of lions. This wasn't Daniel's first escape from death. God had been sparing his life time and time again because of his faithfulness.

It is my desire to be that faithful to God. That I could 100% live for him. I'm either all in or all out.

Count me in.