princess. err, scratch that. LOVE(d).

Every bride should feel like a princess on her wedding day.

Well, I certainly have never dreamt of feeling like a princess on my wedding day. In fact, I don't even desire to be pampered. Because I feel like that is so un-me. And the last thing I want on my wedding day is to not feel like me. Because of this, I am doing my own makeup. If it weren't for the pictures, I would be dressing myself and putting on my own shoes. And if it weren't for a gift card I received I was going to give myself a manicure and a pedicure. The only "pampering" I get is having my hair done. And I wouldn't even consider that pampering.

I think a more important phrase should be, every bride should feel loved on her wedding day.

I'm certainly already feeling that. I have four women (my mom's friends) helping plan all the festivities. Who am I kidding? They ARE planning all the festivities (with my approval). I hate wedding planning but dang, this is the easiest thing I have done. I just say yay or nay and they put it into action. But back to that love thing! Today I was feeling loved when we unloaded a trunk full of flowers bought at the whole sale flower mart in San Francisco. I didn't go on this adventure. My peeps did. They knew what I liked and didn't like. And they got it all for me. Are they being paid to do this? No. Not a dime. They are doing this out of love. They have spent hours brainstorming, planning, shopping, buying, etc. They are amazing women who pour out love into the lives of others. I am eternally grateful to have such a beautiful wedding because they are helping!

Part of me thinks that God is using this time of showering me with love to teach me something. Who am I kidding? God always wants to teach me something! Well, I'm getting it. I've heard the message loud and clear from the get-go! I love you. And I love you this much. And I love you more than that. And I love you more than you'll ever know! And let me show you how much I love you. I get it. God is using others to show me His love. Because before I ever got engaged my fear was that people wouldn't come to my wedding. Because people didn't love me. Well God is changing all of that. I've been so blessed by the generosity of others during this time. I remember one of the first wedding meetings I had with my peeps (the four women helping me) and they were talking and dreaming up all these ideas and I just sat there thinking, seriously? For me? They would do all of this? They don't even have to do this much, but they are. I feel so loved.

Let me just tell you one little story to tie this all together. Some how.

I only invited a couple friends from work due to space capacity at the reception. I work with about 30 other women and out of that I only invited six people I work with. So I never discussed my wedding plans with anyone I wasn't inviting because I didn't want to be rude or anything. Well, the other day I got to work and one of my co-workers told me, someone left you a present! And I saw the writing on the tag and assumed it was one of the parents I knew and thought aw how sweet. Then I opened up the card to see who it was from. I was wrong. In fact I never would have guessed this person would even get me something. This person was one of my co-workers. That I did not invite. And all she got me was some cooking utensils. But the card was the sweetest thing of all. She had written about how she knew I was getting married this weekend and she was praying that it would be a blessing on me and my husband-to-be. And that she thought I did an amazing job working with those crazy two year olds. Seriously, the sweetest thing. I almost cried when I read it because I was so touched by her generosity. The fact that she even thought of me, that she went out, looked up my registry and bought me some of the items off of it meant so much to me. Who knew that a spatula and a ladle would be such a blessing to me! I have reread that card several times just because it brings me this great feeling of being loved and when I feel this, I always think thank you God for loving me through others.

It is such an amazing feeling to be loved so much more than you could/would ever imagine. I wish everyone could just feel a little ounce of what I have felt during this time. Especially brides-to-be. Every time I feel loved on by someone else I always tell myself remember how this feels because you need to do this to others.

And these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:13

ch-ch-changes.

In 15 short days I will be married to the love of my life and I could not be more excited! I can't wait to go to sleep next to him each night and wake up next to him every morning. I can't wait to make our house our home. I can't wait for everything that is mine to be ours. I can't wait for the adventures life will give us. I can't wait to see him every day. I can't wait for him to come home to me every night. I can't wait to take care of him. I have been waiting for this day for 24 years now (okay maybe not since I was an infant but probably since I was like 8 years old). And now, I only have 15 more days to wait. I am so ready to start a new chapter in my life.

But I am also sad to be ending a period of my life that I will never experience again. This period of living at home, being dependent on my mom/having my mom take care of me. A couple months ago I wasn't feeling well for a couple days and I was at home and my mom was home. My mom was taking care of me. And I thought to myself this is the last time my mom will take care of me while I'm sick. And that realization made me sad because everything is changing. Just yesterday I was frustrated with wedding details and the pressure I feel to make the right decision. And I was telling my mom about it while she was sitting on her bed and she just told me, "come here and lay next to me. I'll take care of you." And again this thought pops into my head, this is the last time I will come home and my mom will take care of me. It's always been a tradition in my family that on your birthday there is a present at the foot of your bed when you wake up. As we've grown older it changed to on the floor next to your bed because we probably would've kicked it off while we were sleeping. So being that today is my birthday there was a present outside my door when I woke up this morning. I wasn't expecting it because I only asked for money this year. So it brought a smile to my face that I did get to open one present. But again the thought came to mind, this is the last time I will ever get a present by my bed on my birthday. It's not like I'm afraid Royce won't take care of me. He will. And he'll do a fabulous job. So while I'm thrilled and can't wait to be married, I'm also mourning a part of my life that will never be the same.

with this ring...

We aren't writing our own vows but I thought I would take some time to write mine out as if we were going to write them ourselves. Because I felt inspired today as I went through my memory box. So here goes my rough draft...

Royce,

Do you remember when we first started emailing each other and talking on the phone? Before we ever met in person. Do you remember how we would joke that it would be crazy if we ever get married? Well, look at us now; standing before all our family and friends. Who knew five years and two days ago we would be here?! I remember getting ready for my first date with you and telling my mom if I didn't marry you I would be heart broken. And then I told you this later that night. Somehow we knew from the start that there was something special about our relationship, about us.

You and I would be the first to say that our relationship is not perfect, in fact its far from it. We've had our fair share of ups and downs over the past five years. One thing I know for sure about us though, is we are fighters. We are determined to make this work. Even when times are tough we dig our heels in even further and fight head on. You could probably say we are very strong willed in our relationship. So it's easy to assume that this will be carried into our marriage. Because I am not going down without the fight of our lives.

I praise God that he brought us together. Only He knew exactly what kind of man I need. You fit it perfectly. You have taught me so much about love and what it means to serve one another. I only hope that I can reciprocate the love and service you have shown me. I promise to love you for the rest of my life. And I promise that I will continue fight for our relationship because it means too much to me. You mean too much to me.

I love you with all that I am.

note to self.

Various situations that have occurred in the past couple of months have finally made me realize something about me. I suppose you could call it a fault.

I have attitude.

I would say the majority of the time I give attitude (or the impression that I'm being mean, rude, etc.) is not something that I have at all intended to do. Since high school I have been aware that the way I come off to other people is not always pleasant even if it is unintentional. I suppose that is why I would hear from other people in high school that people who didn't really know me described me as being "mean." And with all honesty, I rarely have any intention of being mean to others. I rarely have the intention of giving others attitude.

I know that a lot (or all) of this stems from the way that I handle things. I would say that I am very opinionated and I will make my opinions known if given the chance. I will not back down in an argument--and not because I want to win or prove a point but because I really do believe what I am saying. That part may just come from my family background simply because all of my family members are the same way. I am also very head strong. I am feisty. I will not give up. And I will battle you till I'm satisfied that you see my point of view.

Though I do hate confrontation. Or at least initiating it. I will avoid it at all costs if I can.

Back to my attitude though. I really need to work on the way I deliver or present my ideas and myself to others. I hate that I am often told that people think I am being rude, or giving attitude or the sense that I don't like them. Because again, hardly ever is that true. As I drove home from work today I realized that I need to change this part of me. And I need to change it pronto because I am tired of the misconceptions.

My solution: ask God to help me speak lovingly to those around me. I need to let Jesus transform the way I interact with others. I want Christ's love and grace to be evident in my actions and the words I speak. I cannot hand out His love and grace on my own. I need Him to work through me. So I will begin praying that I will be more loving towards others with my words. That when I feel like I am beginning to fail I will call on the name of Jesus to help me. I do not want people to feel like I am being rude or mean.

And when I do fail, I want to have the courage and the humility to ask for forgiveness.

can You hear me now?

Lately I've felt like my prayers have been going unheard. Not unanswered, just unheard. I know all the good little church girl answers to the basics of Christianity and prayer and what not. I know that God either says yes, no or wait. So I know that He very well could be telling me to wait, but by-golly I feel like I've been waiting forever now! I'm tired of waiting. I just want my prayers to have definite answers and none of this gray stuff. But I also realize that by waiting God is using that time to teach us to depend on Him and His timing. Because His timing is always on time. Our timing is probably usually always wrong. Even if we think it's right. Because if I had it my way, things would not be where we are at this moment in time. Not in this "waiting" period.

One thing that has been in my prayers almost daily recently (or well, probably since last September) is direction. For myself and for Royce. We have both been feeling stuck in our lives and wishing that we could move on--get married, finish school, start a career, et cetera. It seems like everyone around us is getting married or graduating or finding a "real" job while we're still stuck. And it's really hard to see other people move on and us not be able to. So it's been my, and our, prayer for almost a year now that God will show us which direction to take. Apparently the direction we're currently going and have been going in for the last 4 years is the correct one. There have been a few opportunities for change but the doors have been closed on us. It's frustrating to feel like God is either saying no or wait. I can't wait for the day when He says yes. I think I will be ecstatic to finally have change. To finally feel like a new chapter will begin.

I know that my prayers aren't going unheard. I know that God hears each and every one of them. And I know that He answers each and every one. I suppose my answer has been a repetitive no or wait. I just wish the no's were more clear and the waits were short lived.

Recently I was thinking about this whole prayer thing and I thought, you know, I am always talking to God but when was the last time that I actually listened for God? I know He speaks to us through His word and through other people and just the stirring of our hearts. But I feel like I've been so numb that I am not in tune to hear Him speaking. I feel like I really need to begin honestly, earnestly and whole-heartedly pursing a deep relationship with Him. My relationship with Him is a little one-sided and it's all about what God can do for me. I'm not interested in what God wants me to do, or how God wants me to love others. I'm more interested in God telling me yes or no. This past Sunday the sermon was about salvation. And how we accept the gift but we don't open it. And I feel like that's how my relationship with God is. Yes I have accepted him into my heart but it ends there. Now it's like rubbing the lamp and waiting for the genie to appear. And it shouldn't be. I long for a deep and intimate relationship with Him. I need to get serious.

So here I go.

to the current me.

Dear Me,

Where have you been? Remember when you used to be fun and care free? Full of life and always looking for a way to have a good time. What happened? It hasn't been that long. You're more serious now. I don't like it.

I miss the 18 year old you. The one who spent summer nights with her three best friends swimming in a pool and then jumping on the trampoline soaking wet. The girl who would laugh until her stomach hurt with her friends. I miss that girl who was adventurous and had very few fears. I miss the girl who got a thrill from doing things outside her element. I miss that girl who could balance friends, boyfriend, family and work so perfectly. I miss the girl who had silly stories to share with everyone about some crazy adventure she had taken. I miss the girl who loved to get all dressed up just to take pictures. I miss the girl who constantly thanked God for the beautiful life she had because despite how ugly it could be, she saw the glass half full.

But now. Now there aren't very many silly stories of crazy adventures. Crazy adventures are a thing of the past, stuck in the 18 year old you. Some how they didn't make it into the early 20's. Now there are not any more swimming and trampoline jumping nights. No more looking at the stars and talking about life with your best friends. No more playing dress up. Now there are more fears in you than there ever were. Now you can hardly balance work, school, a boyfriend, friends and family. What happened when you turned 23? Or 22? Or even 21? Life just seemed to slip by without giving it a second glance. And now you look back and wonder where that 18 year old girl got lost. Because now you so desperately wish to bring her back. In high school your life motto was live without regrets. And you earnestly believed it and lived it. Shamefully, now you're looking back on the past few years regretfully.

Let me give you some advice so you don't regret how you live the next few years: be spontaneous. Don't worry about always having to plan your trips out of town. Just go. And explore. And be adventurous! Look at the stars more. Some of the best conversations, some of the silliest stories and some of the most memorable moments come from these times. You've been dying to watch a good--no wait, beautiful--sunset for months now. Do it. Drive out to the lake. Better yet, drive out to the beach. Don't worry about tomorrow's obligations. Don't worry about the time. Just do it. And enjoy the beauty God has created for you to enjoy. Call your friends more. Just to say hi. Call them when you think about them or remember something from your past. Be the friend you're dying to have. Be the friend you once were. Don't restrict your activities because of your fears. Your mother has always admired your bravery. Let go of your fears and bring back the courage of that 18 year old girl. Explore your surroundings more. Even in your hometown. Find things you never found before. Take more pictures. You'll back at the pictures with fond memories. Finally, let your hair down. Don't be so serious. Life doesn't have to be serious all of the time. Don't let the 23 year old in you suck the life out of you. Bring back that 18 year old girl who was care free and open to whatever life threw at her. You may be old(er), but you're not that old.

Let go. And live.

Love,
Me

You're never out of reach.

Stress.

Anxiety.

Those are two words I would use to describe my mental state lately. I have been feeling quite stressed out. And the built up stress turns into anxiety about whatever it is in the future that I'm stressing out about. Ugh. I really don't like it and I wish I could just calm down and breathe. I am appreciative of the times when my mind is completely distracted by my surroundings because then I am free from the grip the stress has on my life. What's worse, is that I have a very hard time vocalizing this. For two reasons. Number one, I'm so stressed out that I'd rather not discuss it because then I'm like oh let's just go over this AGAIN. Number two, I want to forget about it and avoid it rather then open up and talk about it. Put the two together and I am internally avoiding the whole situation which does nothing in order to help me.

So I'm feeling a little stressed out with school which really isn't that bad but it kind of is. I need to find a partner asap and I'm just feeling pressure because the time is running low. I want to just get the project out of the way but I need someone to work with first. This stressor should be over within a few days and hopefully by tomorrow afternoon when I get to class.

The other reason I'm feeling stressed? Yesterday I found out that my mom has skin cancer. It's squamous cell carcinoma, which apparently isn't as bad as melanoma because that is more deadly. Anyway, she told me it's not the worse skin cancer to have and the treatment is typically outpatient done at the doctors office. The survival rate is very high at 95%. So I guess if she were to have to have skin cancer this is a good one to have (but really, is there a "good" cancer?). She's not scared so she said I shouldn't be scared. But I am a little worried. I'm hung up on the word cancer. Cancer. It's such an awful word and has terrible associations. When someone is diagnosed with cancer you usually don't brush it off your shoulder like, so how 'bout them yankees? No. Panic and fear set in and you're like, crap is this the end? What's the success rate? What are my treatment options? Am I going to DIE? I feel like I shouldn't take this lightly. I feel like we should be getting on treatment asap. Not just casually waiting until the insurance will approve it and the doctor is back from vacation. Seriously? Shouldn't we be like, get in, get out and HURRY. I don't know how to feel about it because my experience with cancer is not positive. And I feel like "good" cancer is an oxymoron. There is no such thing as "good" cancer.

So today I read the story about the Syro-Phonecian woman in the Bible. She had a daughter who was being possessed by demons and she heard that Jesus was in town. Interestingly, this woman was a Gentile and Jesus was in a Gentile town. She found Jesus and asked Him to come heal her daughter. He basically ignored her for some time. And then finally after her repeated begging He told her that the children's bread shouldn't be fed to the dogs. And she replied that the dogs get to eat the crumbs off the floor. And then He praised her for her faith and told her that her daughter was healed. And basically, she believed in Jesus and what He could do that she was persistent in asking for His healing. And that's how we're supposed to treat our prayer lives. We should be persistent in prayers because God will answer our prayers. So that's what I'm trying to do right now. I've prayed numerous times today. I'm praying for school. I'm praying for my mom.

I'm praying for peace.