desiring change.

My plan for the past couple years has been:

1. graduate college with BA in psychology

2. start substitute teaching

3. go to grad school for school counseling

4. graduate with MA in school counseling

5. start career as a school counselor

6. go to grad school for marriage family therapy

7. graduate with MA in MFT

8. do private practice or school counseling

But lately different factors have occurred that make me wonder if my plans could potentially change. But the thing is I have no plan B. That list of 8 was all I had, and if one fell through I don't know what my next plan would be. Currently I have not accomplished number 1 but I'm already doubting number 2.

I love my job. I love who I work with. I love hanging out with kids all day. I love it all. Except the money. It's no surprise that I make nothing working at a private preschool. And I've always said, I definitely don't work there for the money. Which is still true. But now I'm feeling like I'm stuck. I can't move on with my life. I can't get married because I don't want to be scraping by hoping to make it this month. I can't move out because I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to support myself financially. I am afraid of buying a new car because I'm worried that I won't be able to make payments. Now I'm feeling like money is a motivating factor in all of this. I can't really get a raise because I don't qualify. I don't have the right units to be a teacher which would help me make slightly more than I do. And I don't want to get the right units because I don't plan on doing this for the next X amount of years nor is it my major. I just feel like I would be spending money to make more money. That doesn't work for me. So what do I do?

I've never really looked into another job for the past 3 years but now I'm thinking I should at least see what's out there. I don't have any plan for switching jobs. Quite frankly I don't want to because I'm afraid there won't be any security. I don't want to quit this job, get a new job and then soon after lose the new job. So what do I do?

I feel stuck. I want to move on with my life. So what do I do?

My new plan A: pray.

beautiful life.

i like my life. i really do. but i feel like there are some things i just wish i could change. maybe these changes would make it better. maybe they would just enhance the greatness that already exists within it.

i feel like sometimes i get so stuck on what i DON'T have; what my life is lacking; what i wish would be different. i think i need to change my outlook on this. because when i'm focusing on what i don't have or what i wish i had, i fail to realize what i DO have. i suppose this is something that i've always needed to work on. because God has truly blessed me beyond measure and it's a shame that i don't acknowledge this because i'm so focused on what is not there.

for so long i felt God was just too distant from me. i couldn't figure out how to get Him to draw near to me. and in mid february i think i finally realized the distance was the cause of myself. God is always near. God is always waiting and willing to be close. He longs for this, He longs to converse with His children just like a physical, earthly parent does. it's not God that is distant, it is myself. so i took action and opened up my Bible and spent time learning more about Him through the life of Jesus. and i was blown away. i started to see God personally rather than just through what i've learned from others throughout my life. and i began to see a pattern through all of my studying--God is love. plain and simple. He is all about love. and as cliche as the idea of love is, it really can change everything. so if i just love other a little more maybe i'll see a change in my life.

another thing i think God has taught me lately is about judgement. i've slowly been reading this great book called unChristian. there was a chapter devoted to christians being too judgmental in the eyes of outsiders. and i think that is a fair assessment. i would agree that we tend to be come off as or actually are too judgmental. and then i read this amazing quote from c.s. lewis that said "there is someone i love, even though i do not approve of what he does. there is someone i accept, though his thoughts and actions revolt me. there is someone i forgive, though he hurts the people i love the most. that person is me." that just baffled me. it has since changed my perspective about dealing with others faults and sins. it humbly reminds me that i am no better than they are. if i can remember this quote when i am tempted to judge others then i can extend grace to them. so if i can extend grace a little more maybe i'll see a change in my life.

i can't wait for others to change so my life will be better. i need to put in the effort. i need to make the change. and i think i'm beginning to realize that it all begins with me.

here's to a more promising future!