getting it off my chest.

dear you,

I WANT YOU TO TALK TO ME! about your life. your past. your dreams. your day at work. your day at school. your thoughts in your head. your politics. your interests. your mundane happenings. your religious views. the things you learned. ANYTHING. i just want to know what's going on with you when i'm not around. i want to know what you're thinking when i'm next to you. i want to know YOU.

plain and simple.

is it too much to ask?

sincerely,
me

by your side.

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

--Tenth Avenue North

obsession, part 2.

So on my lunch break today, I didn't really have time to go home--well, I did but I wouldn't be able to be there very long so it didn't seem worth it to me. I stopped by my mom's work for a little bit and talked to her, went to the bank to finally deposit my paycheck from a week ago and went to Long's to pick up a magazine to read during nap time. 

So I picked up two magazines. The US Weekley looked a lot more interesting than the People magazine. But, People magazine had a little "book bonus" on Maureen McCormick's new book. I wouldn't have purchased People except for the whole Brady Bunch obsession I have going on. And this evening I read the article...it was nothing new to me. I had already read those portions of the book. So I was a little disappointed that I wasted $4 on that....

obsessions.

I think I just figured out last night that I have rather odd obsessions. But the even odder (if that's even a word) thing is these obsessions are short lived. For example:

-When I was younger (like 12 or 13...haha) I watched the movie, "The Miracle Worker." It's the story of Helen Keller. It was a made for TV movie with that curly haired girl from the Pepsi commercials way back when, playing Helen Keller. After watching that "newer" edition of the movie, I watched the classic one. And then I became mildly obsessed with Helen Keller. Even going as far as walking around the table pretending to be blind and eating off my parents plates one evening at dinner. Seriously. Ask my mom. She'll never let me live that moment down. Of course that was a scene from the movie and I was freshening up on my acting skills. My freshman year of high school I did a skit for my drama class with two other girls from the play, "The Miracle Worker." And guess who I played? Yep, Helen Keller.

-This past Spring I read "Mistaken Identity", a true story about two girls in a car accident whose identities were mistaken for one another. One died and one was in a coma. The wrong family buried who they thought was their daughter and the other family stayed with the girl they thought was their daughter for five weeks in the hospital while she was in a coma. A very fascinating story that you can briefly read about here. Needless to say I also became mildly obsessed with this story. I think I read all the news articles I could find online about it. I mean I spent countless hours and days looking this stuff up. I was so interested.

-Also, earlier this year I re-read a book called, "Rachel's Tears" about one of the girls, Rachel Scott, who died in the Columbine accident. And yes, you guessed it, I did hours of research about her story too.

-A couple months ago during the Olympics I developed another obsession: gymnastics. I was taken back to the year 1996 when I was just nine years old and watched the female gymnastics team win the team gold. Back then, I cut out all the newspaper articles about the "Magnificent 7" and pasted them onto construction paper and stapled the papers together to make a scrap book. Unfortunately I must've thrown it away because I haven't seen it in years. Anyway, the female gymnastics team this year made me think about the one from 1996 and I again, did "research" on them. I watched Youtube videos, read personal websites of the girls from the Mag 7, read news articles, fan sites, whatever I could find.

So now you ask what is my newest obsession? The Brady Bunch. I know, I know. It's so weird. But with Maureen McCormick's (Marcia Brady) new book out it sparked the newest obsession. Last Friday night, the boyfriend and I went to Borders and I sat down with her book only reading anything related to The Brady Bunch. Side note: Though the show is beyond my years and not from my generation, I have the DVD sets and absolutely love the show. Okay so I must've read the darn book for like an hour and I'm still not even done with the Brady Bunch parts of it. I need to go back and finish it. Anyway, since reading those snipets, I looked up The Brady Bunch on Youtube and found out they did "The Brady Brides" in 1981 which was a short lived series about Jan and Marcia being married and living with their spouses in the same house. And a few years later they did a Christmas made for TV movie with the Brady's. Two years after their show ended in 1974 they did a show similar to Sonny and Cher's (which, by the way, I also used to watch) with singing and dancing and short skits. I watched a little bit of The Brady Brides and it didn't compare to the original Brady Bunch. Along with my Youtube adventures, I also looked online reading some fan sites a little.

Agh, I feel like a loser. These obsessions are short lived, but seriously after writing the extent that I go with this stuff, I feel stupid.

Go ahead, laugh.

it's official.

I might be addicted to shopping.

Yep. I said it. Addicted. Only there's a slight problem...

I can't bring myself to spend money.

Seriously, what is this?? I have this desire--this burning need-- to buy something, anything (well, mostly clothes). I usually do very well with spending money, only a little here and there but this past week and part of last week I probably have spent well over $200 on items. And I couldn't even tell you what they are!!! I feel like I have one or two new things. At least no item is too expensive. Probably the most I've spent on one item was like $16. Not bad. But still, this erratic behavior is so unlike me. I need to get my "I'm-so-poor" state of mind back. Pronto.

Royce, you never should've introduced me to the debit card. This is all your fault.

labels

I am totally supposed to be doing homework at the moment but because my best friend is named PROCRASTINATION I thought I'd spend some good quality time with her.

Yesterday this thought came to me, I refuse to label myself according to what I do/would do (in the future) for a living, I believe it is Christ who should define us, yet I truly do define myself as a child of divorce; it makes up more than half of how I would define who I am. I don't even remember when, how or even the context of the situation at the time. I just remember I felt it was like an epiphany.

I don't really know why this thought struck such a cord with me. I can't place on my finger on why I haven't been able to disregard it over the last 24 hours.

Who am I? A child of divorce. Divorce. The reason I am who I am at this very moment in my life. The blame I can put on the "negative" qualities I have. The reason why I won't open up so easily. The reason why I'm so afraid to be exposed, to be vulnerable. The reason why I have issues with trust. The reason why I feel insecure about myself. The reason why I don't want to get married. The reason why I struggle with "jealousy." The reason why I can't accept love. The reason why I feed my absurd thoughts about issues. The reason why I can't love myself.

I wonder if there is some way that God could use all of these issues, all of the reasons why I define myself as a child of divorce, into a definition that is of Him. I'm not sure if that makes any sense but I don't really know how to say it eloquently. I mean I know He can take all of the negative and turn it into positive, that this stuff can be used for His purpose. But can he take all the negative and positively turn it into a way I can define myself through Him, who I am in Him? This seems rather complex to me. Maybe my solution is working on my definition of me through Christ and the other stuff, the child of divorce stuff, will work it's way into it and into a positive manner.

all out.

Life is funny. During the summer I was excited to be going back to school, I was oddly looking forward to it. New school. New people. New professors. New everything. And now, I hate it. I hate that I don't know my way around. I hate being "new." I hate not knowing how things work in each professors class. Last year (fall and spring semesters) I was amazingly on task with school. I did really well--A's and B's. I was focused. This semester I must have senior-itis, even if I'm technically not a senior. I am not focused whatsoever. I have to motivation to study for my tests which results in low scores. I'm disappointed that I'm not disappointed in myself for this lack of motivation. I want to want to be motivated. I'm just not. And this is difficult. Though I've never liked school, I've always known how important it is for me to be there. I can't imagine my future without a degree.

I suppose I should see my advisor. Maybe if I have the end in sight I'll be more motivated. I'll want to get out and I'll work myself to do it.

Ultimately, I'd like to fast forward four years. Graduated. Married. Career-woman. Enjoying life.

i did it

After debating about whether or not to set up a blog account for the past couple of weeks I've finally decided to do it. Go me.