i'm a survivor.

I survived my first year of "real college." My first year at a university. Let me tell you, what a culture shock it was. I hated being there and wished so desperately to be back at my little but familiar community college. At least there I was comfortable. But tonight I officially ended my first semester there. And I survived. An added bonus, I'm feeling pretty confident about my grades as well. I worked so hard to get where I am. I worked so hard this semester just to stay on top of everything. I'm definitely looking forward to having two months off. Spring semester is going to be KILLER. All day long on Tuesdays and Thursdays. All day. ALL DAY. I'm not looking forward to it but I know I can handle it.

So my outlook on CSUS is now slightly more positive than I started with. I still have no clue when I'm graduating and am only guessing when I say a year and a half because it sounds reasonable. I hope it could be sooner but we will see. The only thing is...I have no idea how to figure out how much longer I do have to go.

six times.

This is my sixth Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday since my parents have split up. Each year has gotten a little easier than the previous. And I am actually really excited for the holidays.

Thank you Jesus for bringing us this far.

issues.

I wonder when my heart and my head will begin to believe the same things. I can't stand knowing one thing but not believing it; especially when there isn't any reason NOT to believe it.

I wish I could learn to be flexible. I wish I could roll with the punches better. I hate that I have high expectations that are tremendous heartaches when not fulfilled.

I want to be different.

obsessions, part 3.

I have an important update on my latest obsession (The Brady Bunch): I officially finished reviewing Maureen McCormick's book. Beyond chapter 15 was a little boring and disappointing. But my curiosity is cured and I think my obsession is slowly fading away...

Questions.

Remember what it was like when you were nearing the end of your senior year in high school and when people (mostly adults) found out you were about to graduate would ask you the age old question, "What are you going to do with your life?" Half the time you never had it figured out. Or you knew what school/work/military you were going to but beyond that was not set in stone. It was that dreaded question and answer time that seemed like it was never going to end.

Well, it still hasn't. I don't think it will until you're finally out of college and then the question just becomes, "What DO you do with your life?" By then you should have things figured out. I still hate answering the what-are-you-planning-to-do. There is no short answer for me. School counseling. That's my ultimate goal. Don't ask me how I'm getting there. I have options, I haven't decided yet.

And the other question I've started to hate lately..."When are you getting married?" I have no clue. I suppose after a ring appears on my finger. I hate having to explain why it won't be any time soon. I guess after marriage comes, "When will you start having kids?"

When do these questions officially end?

new president.

I am already getting tired of people complaining about Obama being the president and how the world needs to end because of it and how this is not going to get any better. Whining will not change what has been done. I feel like shouting GET OVER IT.

I voted McCain. Couldn't understand what was so "evil" about him being "the lesser of the two evils." Personally, I liked him. Didn't research him all the time but listened to some forums, read some information on him. I wish he would've won. But I kind of expected his chances to be slim due to:

-he is a republican; the current president is a republican and is not well liked by America and the fear of the last eight years repeating in the next four was probably a big factor
-his VP choice. Sure, she seemed like a nice lady. But honestly, her resume was short and hardly even serving her term as governor, plus being mayor of your city doesn't exactly equal up to VP status
-again, the VP choice...his age, her lack of experience made voters weary

Obama speaks very eloquently. It is pretty much obvious that his speeches provided a sense of hope to people (I mean he did get elected and all). His whole campaign was based on one word: change. And people are craving that right now. Things aren't going smoothly these days and people are desperate for a way out.

I was reading an article this morning and it will be interesting to see what promises will be fulfilled. Obama has a tough load to carry out.

We need to quit complaining. What's done is done. Instead of whining, why don't we start praying? When Obama is sworn in, he already has trouble waiting for him. The US is not in pretty shape right now and can you imagine all of the things he's got to take over? It's not going to be easy and probably won't be pretty and I'm sure he can use our prayers. Let's hope that we're all wrong. That he DOES do a good job. In fact, a great one. That he goes down in history as one of the most influential presidents. That he provides change. He provides relief. Even if we're different political parties we need to rally behind him because in the end you have two choices. Either support/pray for him or stand against him and complain. He's going to be with us for the next four years at the minimum. Let's do what we can to make this situation better.

getting it off my chest.

dear you,

I WANT YOU TO TALK TO ME! about your life. your past. your dreams. your day at work. your day at school. your thoughts in your head. your politics. your interests. your mundane happenings. your religious views. the things you learned. ANYTHING. i just want to know what's going on with you when i'm not around. i want to know what you're thinking when i'm next to you. i want to know YOU.

plain and simple.

is it too much to ask?

sincerely,
me

by your side.

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

--Tenth Avenue North

obsession, part 2.

So on my lunch break today, I didn't really have time to go home--well, I did but I wouldn't be able to be there very long so it didn't seem worth it to me. I stopped by my mom's work for a little bit and talked to her, went to the bank to finally deposit my paycheck from a week ago and went to Long's to pick up a magazine to read during nap time. 

So I picked up two magazines. The US Weekley looked a lot more interesting than the People magazine. But, People magazine had a little "book bonus" on Maureen McCormick's new book. I wouldn't have purchased People except for the whole Brady Bunch obsession I have going on. And this evening I read the article...it was nothing new to me. I had already read those portions of the book. So I was a little disappointed that I wasted $4 on that....

obsessions.

I think I just figured out last night that I have rather odd obsessions. But the even odder (if that's even a word) thing is these obsessions are short lived. For example:

-When I was younger (like 12 or 13...haha) I watched the movie, "The Miracle Worker." It's the story of Helen Keller. It was a made for TV movie with that curly haired girl from the Pepsi commercials way back when, playing Helen Keller. After watching that "newer" edition of the movie, I watched the classic one. And then I became mildly obsessed with Helen Keller. Even going as far as walking around the table pretending to be blind and eating off my parents plates one evening at dinner. Seriously. Ask my mom. She'll never let me live that moment down. Of course that was a scene from the movie and I was freshening up on my acting skills. My freshman year of high school I did a skit for my drama class with two other girls from the play, "The Miracle Worker." And guess who I played? Yep, Helen Keller.

-This past Spring I read "Mistaken Identity", a true story about two girls in a car accident whose identities were mistaken for one another. One died and one was in a coma. The wrong family buried who they thought was their daughter and the other family stayed with the girl they thought was their daughter for five weeks in the hospital while she was in a coma. A very fascinating story that you can briefly read about here. Needless to say I also became mildly obsessed with this story. I think I read all the news articles I could find online about it. I mean I spent countless hours and days looking this stuff up. I was so interested.

-Also, earlier this year I re-read a book called, "Rachel's Tears" about one of the girls, Rachel Scott, who died in the Columbine accident. And yes, you guessed it, I did hours of research about her story too.

-A couple months ago during the Olympics I developed another obsession: gymnastics. I was taken back to the year 1996 when I was just nine years old and watched the female gymnastics team win the team gold. Back then, I cut out all the newspaper articles about the "Magnificent 7" and pasted them onto construction paper and stapled the papers together to make a scrap book. Unfortunately I must've thrown it away because I haven't seen it in years. Anyway, the female gymnastics team this year made me think about the one from 1996 and I again, did "research" on them. I watched Youtube videos, read personal websites of the girls from the Mag 7, read news articles, fan sites, whatever I could find.

So now you ask what is my newest obsession? The Brady Bunch. I know, I know. It's so weird. But with Maureen McCormick's (Marcia Brady) new book out it sparked the newest obsession. Last Friday night, the boyfriend and I went to Borders and I sat down with her book only reading anything related to The Brady Bunch. Side note: Though the show is beyond my years and not from my generation, I have the DVD sets and absolutely love the show. Okay so I must've read the darn book for like an hour and I'm still not even done with the Brady Bunch parts of it. I need to go back and finish it. Anyway, since reading those snipets, I looked up The Brady Bunch on Youtube and found out they did "The Brady Brides" in 1981 which was a short lived series about Jan and Marcia being married and living with their spouses in the same house. And a few years later they did a Christmas made for TV movie with the Brady's. Two years after their show ended in 1974 they did a show similar to Sonny and Cher's (which, by the way, I also used to watch) with singing and dancing and short skits. I watched a little bit of The Brady Brides and it didn't compare to the original Brady Bunch. Along with my Youtube adventures, I also looked online reading some fan sites a little.

Agh, I feel like a loser. These obsessions are short lived, but seriously after writing the extent that I go with this stuff, I feel stupid.

Go ahead, laugh.

it's official.

I might be addicted to shopping.

Yep. I said it. Addicted. Only there's a slight problem...

I can't bring myself to spend money.

Seriously, what is this?? I have this desire--this burning need-- to buy something, anything (well, mostly clothes). I usually do very well with spending money, only a little here and there but this past week and part of last week I probably have spent well over $200 on items. And I couldn't even tell you what they are!!! I feel like I have one or two new things. At least no item is too expensive. Probably the most I've spent on one item was like $16. Not bad. But still, this erratic behavior is so unlike me. I need to get my "I'm-so-poor" state of mind back. Pronto.

Royce, you never should've introduced me to the debit card. This is all your fault.

labels

I am totally supposed to be doing homework at the moment but because my best friend is named PROCRASTINATION I thought I'd spend some good quality time with her.

Yesterday this thought came to me, I refuse to label myself according to what I do/would do (in the future) for a living, I believe it is Christ who should define us, yet I truly do define myself as a child of divorce; it makes up more than half of how I would define who I am. I don't even remember when, how or even the context of the situation at the time. I just remember I felt it was like an epiphany.

I don't really know why this thought struck such a cord with me. I can't place on my finger on why I haven't been able to disregard it over the last 24 hours.

Who am I? A child of divorce. Divorce. The reason I am who I am at this very moment in my life. The blame I can put on the "negative" qualities I have. The reason why I won't open up so easily. The reason why I'm so afraid to be exposed, to be vulnerable. The reason why I have issues with trust. The reason why I feel insecure about myself. The reason why I don't want to get married. The reason why I struggle with "jealousy." The reason why I can't accept love. The reason why I feed my absurd thoughts about issues. The reason why I can't love myself.

I wonder if there is some way that God could use all of these issues, all of the reasons why I define myself as a child of divorce, into a definition that is of Him. I'm not sure if that makes any sense but I don't really know how to say it eloquently. I mean I know He can take all of the negative and turn it into positive, that this stuff can be used for His purpose. But can he take all the negative and positively turn it into a way I can define myself through Him, who I am in Him? This seems rather complex to me. Maybe my solution is working on my definition of me through Christ and the other stuff, the child of divorce stuff, will work it's way into it and into a positive manner.

all out.

Life is funny. During the summer I was excited to be going back to school, I was oddly looking forward to it. New school. New people. New professors. New everything. And now, I hate it. I hate that I don't know my way around. I hate being "new." I hate not knowing how things work in each professors class. Last year (fall and spring semesters) I was amazingly on task with school. I did really well--A's and B's. I was focused. This semester I must have senior-itis, even if I'm technically not a senior. I am not focused whatsoever. I have to motivation to study for my tests which results in low scores. I'm disappointed that I'm not disappointed in myself for this lack of motivation. I want to want to be motivated. I'm just not. And this is difficult. Though I've never liked school, I've always known how important it is for me to be there. I can't imagine my future without a degree.

I suppose I should see my advisor. Maybe if I have the end in sight I'll be more motivated. I'll want to get out and I'll work myself to do it.

Ultimately, I'd like to fast forward four years. Graduated. Married. Career-woman. Enjoying life.

i did it

After debating about whether or not to set up a blog account for the past couple of weeks I've finally decided to do it. Go me.