Dealing with a loss is difficult. I've experienced a "loss" in the form of dreams that I had for myself, such as certain houses that I desired or jobs. But now, I am experiencing a new loss. A "real" loss.
The loss of a baby.
On Saturday, March 16th, I found out I was pregnant. Something we had been hoping and praying for for the past few months. I was 5 days late for my expected period. And the first thing I did that morning was take a pregnancy test. I was excited and scared when I saw that the test results turned out positive. I showed the results to my husband who was more excited than scared! I spent that morning looking at baby stuff online and trying to price things out. We even casually discussed some names, none of which we liked. I began looking up all sorts of pregnancy things. Like when we were due-- November 16th. And how far along I would be for different occasions, when I would hit my second and third trimester, or when I would be considered full term. I remember waking up for some time in the middle of the night on Saturday and going into the other room to read, the room that would have been the baby's. I remember sitting in there thinking, soon enough this room will hold our child. That first day, we just kept this secret between us. I was anticipating telling everyone, but first, my own mom.
On Sunday, March 17th, my mom came over to help us do some yard work. As soon as she got here I showed her the pregnancy test. I knew she would be elated as she often mentions wanting a grandchild! And I was right! She was so excited! Which made me even more excited. My mom and I then went out to weed my yard and spent most of the time talking about baby stuff. I was so happy I could finally make her dream of being a grandma a reality. She left after about an hour. Royce and I were planning on going to run an errand at the store so I went to the bathroom before we were about to leave. And then I noticed the blood. Immediately I was alarmed. I cleaned myself up, and headed upstairs to call the nurse. After being advised to just rest and making an appointment to see the doctor the following day, I started to research bleeding during the first trimester. I had no idea what to think about this. Some websites would have women writing about how this happened to them and they still had a healthy pregnancy and for others it meant a miscarriage. I hoped for the former and feared the latter.
On Monday I wished I would have called into work. I was not myself but I tried to put on a brave face. I tried to pretend I was okay. But I was so nervous. As the time went on, I was getting the feeling that this was a miscarriage. I finally went to my doctors appointment that afternoon, only to have my fears confirmed. I was in the process of miscarrying.
I was only 5 weeks and 2 days. I had only known about this baby for less than 36 hours. But that didn't stop me from feeling a sense of loss. A loss of dreams. A loss of hope. A loss of a child. I cried. A lot. I tried to focus on other things. And that would temporarily take my mind off the fact that I lost my baby. But every cramp and every passing of blood would remind me of the reality I was in. There wasn't a baby in my womb any more.
And I don't understand it. I don't get why God chose to take this life from me. From us. I may never know on this side of heaven. And I worry for the future, will this happen again? Will I ever have a baby? It's been my dream since I was little to be a mother. I so badly want to be a mother. I can only pray that God will fulfill the desire in His timing.
And that's the thing, it's His timing. Not mine. Which I'm slowly learning that my timing and God's are rarely on track, but I think mine is best until I see that His is actually best. So I'm reminding myself of the times God has taken care of me, the times He has shown me that His plans are far better than mine. That His ways are not my ways.
"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways' declares the Lord."--Isaiah 55:8
I know when I get to heaven one day there will be a baby there to welcome me. My baby.
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."--Psalm 139:13
