worry.

I hate the feeling of worry. I hate when things in life occur that I cannot control if I tried. Those things make me worry.

God tells us not to worry. Worrying has no use. This I know. But sometimes, it's hard to follow. I can't help but wonder what the future holds. If what I really want and desire will happen or if the dreaded feeling of disappointment will once again invade my emotions.

I don't understand God's ways sometimes. Just when things seem like they will pick up and everything will be "right" again, something happens. Ideas and plans fall through. Hopes and dreams are dashed. I'm exhausted from being on this roller coaster called life with an unemployed husband.

I don't understand You, God. I don't understand why you dangle things right in front of my eyes and let my skeptical heart feel an ounce of excitement only to pull the thing I want right out of my grasp. Why do we have to keep playing these games? What do I have to do in order for the thing I want to actually happen?! Why do you allow these things to go on for months with some sense of hope and then some sense of hopelessness at the same time? When will this end? Will this ever end? I don't feel like it will.

I can't help but at this moment feel somewhat upset with myself for putting my eggs in one basket. Again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Why did I let this happen again? Why did we waste so much time hoping and praying this one dream would come true only to have it drag out longer than we were told and with more despair seeping in than hope?

Sometimes God (okay, a lot of times), I feel like you gave me the short straw in life. When I compare (yes, I know I shouldn't but I still do) my life compared to those around me who are in my circle, I feel like I got jipped. I know my life isn't terrible. It isn't awful. And others have it worse than I imagine. But this is the life I'm living. And for once I want to feel like as soon as You close one door You quickly open another. I want to forgo the whole practicing patience and waiting on God's never ending "untimeliness". I want to know that everything is going to be okay. I want to know there will be an end soon. Very soon. I want to celebrate something good and be relieved of the stress that weighs me down and puts a strain on my marriage. God I want to know You haven't forgotten about me. You have forgotten that we are hoping and praying this job thing works out in our favor. Please God.

This is a moment by moment struggle I face daily. And some days I'm really good about giving God the weight of my burden. Today I suck. Today I can't take my mind off the events that continue to unfold. Please God, please bring an end to this soon. Please bring a reason to celebrate soon.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5