can You hear me now?

Lately I've felt like my prayers have been going unheard. Not unanswered, just unheard. I know all the good little church girl answers to the basics of Christianity and prayer and what not. I know that God either says yes, no or wait. So I know that He very well could be telling me to wait, but by-golly I feel like I've been waiting forever now! I'm tired of waiting. I just want my prayers to have definite answers and none of this gray stuff. But I also realize that by waiting God is using that time to teach us to depend on Him and His timing. Because His timing is always on time. Our timing is probably usually always wrong. Even if we think it's right. Because if I had it my way, things would not be where we are at this moment in time. Not in this "waiting" period.

One thing that has been in my prayers almost daily recently (or well, probably since last September) is direction. For myself and for Royce. We have both been feeling stuck in our lives and wishing that we could move on--get married, finish school, start a career, et cetera. It seems like everyone around us is getting married or graduating or finding a "real" job while we're still stuck. And it's really hard to see other people move on and us not be able to. So it's been my, and our, prayer for almost a year now that God will show us which direction to take. Apparently the direction we're currently going and have been going in for the last 4 years is the correct one. There have been a few opportunities for change but the doors have been closed on us. It's frustrating to feel like God is either saying no or wait. I can't wait for the day when He says yes. I think I will be ecstatic to finally have change. To finally feel like a new chapter will begin.

I know that my prayers aren't going unheard. I know that God hears each and every one of them. And I know that He answers each and every one. I suppose my answer has been a repetitive no or wait. I just wish the no's were more clear and the waits were short lived.

Recently I was thinking about this whole prayer thing and I thought, you know, I am always talking to God but when was the last time that I actually listened for God? I know He speaks to us through His word and through other people and just the stirring of our hearts. But I feel like I've been so numb that I am not in tune to hear Him speaking. I feel like I really need to begin honestly, earnestly and whole-heartedly pursing a deep relationship with Him. My relationship with Him is a little one-sided and it's all about what God can do for me. I'm not interested in what God wants me to do, or how God wants me to love others. I'm more interested in God telling me yes or no. This past Sunday the sermon was about salvation. And how we accept the gift but we don't open it. And I feel like that's how my relationship with God is. Yes I have accepted him into my heart but it ends there. Now it's like rubbing the lamp and waiting for the genie to appear. And it shouldn't be. I long for a deep and intimate relationship with Him. I need to get serious.

So here I go.

to the current me.

Dear Me,

Where have you been? Remember when you used to be fun and care free? Full of life and always looking for a way to have a good time. What happened? It hasn't been that long. You're more serious now. I don't like it.

I miss the 18 year old you. The one who spent summer nights with her three best friends swimming in a pool and then jumping on the trampoline soaking wet. The girl who would laugh until her stomach hurt with her friends. I miss that girl who was adventurous and had very few fears. I miss the girl who got a thrill from doing things outside her element. I miss that girl who could balance friends, boyfriend, family and work so perfectly. I miss the girl who had silly stories to share with everyone about some crazy adventure she had taken. I miss the girl who loved to get all dressed up just to take pictures. I miss the girl who constantly thanked God for the beautiful life she had because despite how ugly it could be, she saw the glass half full.

But now. Now there aren't very many silly stories of crazy adventures. Crazy adventures are a thing of the past, stuck in the 18 year old you. Some how they didn't make it into the early 20's. Now there are not any more swimming and trampoline jumping nights. No more looking at the stars and talking about life with your best friends. No more playing dress up. Now there are more fears in you than there ever were. Now you can hardly balance work, school, a boyfriend, friends and family. What happened when you turned 23? Or 22? Or even 21? Life just seemed to slip by without giving it a second glance. And now you look back and wonder where that 18 year old girl got lost. Because now you so desperately wish to bring her back. In high school your life motto was live without regrets. And you earnestly believed it and lived it. Shamefully, now you're looking back on the past few years regretfully.

Let me give you some advice so you don't regret how you live the next few years: be spontaneous. Don't worry about always having to plan your trips out of town. Just go. And explore. And be adventurous! Look at the stars more. Some of the best conversations, some of the silliest stories and some of the most memorable moments come from these times. You've been dying to watch a good--no wait, beautiful--sunset for months now. Do it. Drive out to the lake. Better yet, drive out to the beach. Don't worry about tomorrow's obligations. Don't worry about the time. Just do it. And enjoy the beauty God has created for you to enjoy. Call your friends more. Just to say hi. Call them when you think about them or remember something from your past. Be the friend you're dying to have. Be the friend you once were. Don't restrict your activities because of your fears. Your mother has always admired your bravery. Let go of your fears and bring back the courage of that 18 year old girl. Explore your surroundings more. Even in your hometown. Find things you never found before. Take more pictures. You'll back at the pictures with fond memories. Finally, let your hair down. Don't be so serious. Life doesn't have to be serious all of the time. Don't let the 23 year old in you suck the life out of you. Bring back that 18 year old girl who was care free and open to whatever life threw at her. You may be old(er), but you're not that old.

Let go. And live.

Love,
Me