with this ring...

We aren't writing our own vows but I thought I would take some time to write mine out as if we were going to write them ourselves. Because I felt inspired today as I went through my memory box. So here goes my rough draft...

Royce,

Do you remember when we first started emailing each other and talking on the phone? Before we ever met in person. Do you remember how we would joke that it would be crazy if we ever get married? Well, look at us now; standing before all our family and friends. Who knew five years and two days ago we would be here?! I remember getting ready for my first date with you and telling my mom if I didn't marry you I would be heart broken. And then I told you this later that night. Somehow we knew from the start that there was something special about our relationship, about us.

You and I would be the first to say that our relationship is not perfect, in fact its far from it. We've had our fair share of ups and downs over the past five years. One thing I know for sure about us though, is we are fighters. We are determined to make this work. Even when times are tough we dig our heels in even further and fight head on. You could probably say we are very strong willed in our relationship. So it's easy to assume that this will be carried into our marriage. Because I am not going down without the fight of our lives.

I praise God that he brought us together. Only He knew exactly what kind of man I need. You fit it perfectly. You have taught me so much about love and what it means to serve one another. I only hope that I can reciprocate the love and service you have shown me. I promise to love you for the rest of my life. And I promise that I will continue fight for our relationship because it means too much to me. You mean too much to me.

I love you with all that I am.

note to self.

Various situations that have occurred in the past couple of months have finally made me realize something about me. I suppose you could call it a fault.

I have attitude.

I would say the majority of the time I give attitude (or the impression that I'm being mean, rude, etc.) is not something that I have at all intended to do. Since high school I have been aware that the way I come off to other people is not always pleasant even if it is unintentional. I suppose that is why I would hear from other people in high school that people who didn't really know me described me as being "mean." And with all honesty, I rarely have any intention of being mean to others. I rarely have the intention of giving others attitude.

I know that a lot (or all) of this stems from the way that I handle things. I would say that I am very opinionated and I will make my opinions known if given the chance. I will not back down in an argument--and not because I want to win or prove a point but because I really do believe what I am saying. That part may just come from my family background simply because all of my family members are the same way. I am also very head strong. I am feisty. I will not give up. And I will battle you till I'm satisfied that you see my point of view.

Though I do hate confrontation. Or at least initiating it. I will avoid it at all costs if I can.

Back to my attitude though. I really need to work on the way I deliver or present my ideas and myself to others. I hate that I am often told that people think I am being rude, or giving attitude or the sense that I don't like them. Because again, hardly ever is that true. As I drove home from work today I realized that I need to change this part of me. And I need to change it pronto because I am tired of the misconceptions.

My solution: ask God to help me speak lovingly to those around me. I need to let Jesus transform the way I interact with others. I want Christ's love and grace to be evident in my actions and the words I speak. I cannot hand out His love and grace on my own. I need Him to work through me. So I will begin praying that I will be more loving towards others with my words. That when I feel like I am beginning to fail I will call on the name of Jesus to help me. I do not want people to feel like I am being rude or mean.

And when I do fail, I want to have the courage and the humility to ask for forgiveness.

can You hear me now?

Lately I've felt like my prayers have been going unheard. Not unanswered, just unheard. I know all the good little church girl answers to the basics of Christianity and prayer and what not. I know that God either says yes, no or wait. So I know that He very well could be telling me to wait, but by-golly I feel like I've been waiting forever now! I'm tired of waiting. I just want my prayers to have definite answers and none of this gray stuff. But I also realize that by waiting God is using that time to teach us to depend on Him and His timing. Because His timing is always on time. Our timing is probably usually always wrong. Even if we think it's right. Because if I had it my way, things would not be where we are at this moment in time. Not in this "waiting" period.

One thing that has been in my prayers almost daily recently (or well, probably since last September) is direction. For myself and for Royce. We have both been feeling stuck in our lives and wishing that we could move on--get married, finish school, start a career, et cetera. It seems like everyone around us is getting married or graduating or finding a "real" job while we're still stuck. And it's really hard to see other people move on and us not be able to. So it's been my, and our, prayer for almost a year now that God will show us which direction to take. Apparently the direction we're currently going and have been going in for the last 4 years is the correct one. There have been a few opportunities for change but the doors have been closed on us. It's frustrating to feel like God is either saying no or wait. I can't wait for the day when He says yes. I think I will be ecstatic to finally have change. To finally feel like a new chapter will begin.

I know that my prayers aren't going unheard. I know that God hears each and every one of them. And I know that He answers each and every one. I suppose my answer has been a repetitive no or wait. I just wish the no's were more clear and the waits were short lived.

Recently I was thinking about this whole prayer thing and I thought, you know, I am always talking to God but when was the last time that I actually listened for God? I know He speaks to us through His word and through other people and just the stirring of our hearts. But I feel like I've been so numb that I am not in tune to hear Him speaking. I feel like I really need to begin honestly, earnestly and whole-heartedly pursing a deep relationship with Him. My relationship with Him is a little one-sided and it's all about what God can do for me. I'm not interested in what God wants me to do, or how God wants me to love others. I'm more interested in God telling me yes or no. This past Sunday the sermon was about salvation. And how we accept the gift but we don't open it. And I feel like that's how my relationship with God is. Yes I have accepted him into my heart but it ends there. Now it's like rubbing the lamp and waiting for the genie to appear. And it shouldn't be. I long for a deep and intimate relationship with Him. I need to get serious.

So here I go.

to the current me.

Dear Me,

Where have you been? Remember when you used to be fun and care free? Full of life and always looking for a way to have a good time. What happened? It hasn't been that long. You're more serious now. I don't like it.

I miss the 18 year old you. The one who spent summer nights with her three best friends swimming in a pool and then jumping on the trampoline soaking wet. The girl who would laugh until her stomach hurt with her friends. I miss that girl who was adventurous and had very few fears. I miss the girl who got a thrill from doing things outside her element. I miss that girl who could balance friends, boyfriend, family and work so perfectly. I miss the girl who had silly stories to share with everyone about some crazy adventure she had taken. I miss the girl who loved to get all dressed up just to take pictures. I miss the girl who constantly thanked God for the beautiful life she had because despite how ugly it could be, she saw the glass half full.

But now. Now there aren't very many silly stories of crazy adventures. Crazy adventures are a thing of the past, stuck in the 18 year old you. Some how they didn't make it into the early 20's. Now there are not any more swimming and trampoline jumping nights. No more looking at the stars and talking about life with your best friends. No more playing dress up. Now there are more fears in you than there ever were. Now you can hardly balance work, school, a boyfriend, friends and family. What happened when you turned 23? Or 22? Or even 21? Life just seemed to slip by without giving it a second glance. And now you look back and wonder where that 18 year old girl got lost. Because now you so desperately wish to bring her back. In high school your life motto was live without regrets. And you earnestly believed it and lived it. Shamefully, now you're looking back on the past few years regretfully.

Let me give you some advice so you don't regret how you live the next few years: be spontaneous. Don't worry about always having to plan your trips out of town. Just go. And explore. And be adventurous! Look at the stars more. Some of the best conversations, some of the silliest stories and some of the most memorable moments come from these times. You've been dying to watch a good--no wait, beautiful--sunset for months now. Do it. Drive out to the lake. Better yet, drive out to the beach. Don't worry about tomorrow's obligations. Don't worry about the time. Just do it. And enjoy the beauty God has created for you to enjoy. Call your friends more. Just to say hi. Call them when you think about them or remember something from your past. Be the friend you're dying to have. Be the friend you once were. Don't restrict your activities because of your fears. Your mother has always admired your bravery. Let go of your fears and bring back the courage of that 18 year old girl. Explore your surroundings more. Even in your hometown. Find things you never found before. Take more pictures. You'll back at the pictures with fond memories. Finally, let your hair down. Don't be so serious. Life doesn't have to be serious all of the time. Don't let the 23 year old in you suck the life out of you. Bring back that 18 year old girl who was care free and open to whatever life threw at her. You may be old(er), but you're not that old.

Let go. And live.

Love,
Me

You're never out of reach.

Stress.

Anxiety.

Those are two words I would use to describe my mental state lately. I have been feeling quite stressed out. And the built up stress turns into anxiety about whatever it is in the future that I'm stressing out about. Ugh. I really don't like it and I wish I could just calm down and breathe. I am appreciative of the times when my mind is completely distracted by my surroundings because then I am free from the grip the stress has on my life. What's worse, is that I have a very hard time vocalizing this. For two reasons. Number one, I'm so stressed out that I'd rather not discuss it because then I'm like oh let's just go over this AGAIN. Number two, I want to forget about it and avoid it rather then open up and talk about it. Put the two together and I am internally avoiding the whole situation which does nothing in order to help me.

So I'm feeling a little stressed out with school which really isn't that bad but it kind of is. I need to find a partner asap and I'm just feeling pressure because the time is running low. I want to just get the project out of the way but I need someone to work with first. This stressor should be over within a few days and hopefully by tomorrow afternoon when I get to class.

The other reason I'm feeling stressed? Yesterday I found out that my mom has skin cancer. It's squamous cell carcinoma, which apparently isn't as bad as melanoma because that is more deadly. Anyway, she told me it's not the worse skin cancer to have and the treatment is typically outpatient done at the doctors office. The survival rate is very high at 95%. So I guess if she were to have to have skin cancer this is a good one to have (but really, is there a "good" cancer?). She's not scared so she said I shouldn't be scared. But I am a little worried. I'm hung up on the word cancer. Cancer. It's such an awful word and has terrible associations. When someone is diagnosed with cancer you usually don't brush it off your shoulder like, so how 'bout them yankees? No. Panic and fear set in and you're like, crap is this the end? What's the success rate? What are my treatment options? Am I going to DIE? I feel like I shouldn't take this lightly. I feel like we should be getting on treatment asap. Not just casually waiting until the insurance will approve it and the doctor is back from vacation. Seriously? Shouldn't we be like, get in, get out and HURRY. I don't know how to feel about it because my experience with cancer is not positive. And I feel like "good" cancer is an oxymoron. There is no such thing as "good" cancer.

So today I read the story about the Syro-Phonecian woman in the Bible. She had a daughter who was being possessed by demons and she heard that Jesus was in town. Interestingly, this woman was a Gentile and Jesus was in a Gentile town. She found Jesus and asked Him to come heal her daughter. He basically ignored her for some time. And then finally after her repeated begging He told her that the children's bread shouldn't be fed to the dogs. And she replied that the dogs get to eat the crumbs off the floor. And then He praised her for her faith and told her that her daughter was healed. And basically, she believed in Jesus and what He could do that she was persistent in asking for His healing. And that's how we're supposed to treat our prayer lives. We should be persistent in prayers because God will answer our prayers. So that's what I'm trying to do right now. I've prayed numerous times today. I'm praying for school. I'm praying for my mom.

I'm praying for peace.

beautiful now.

So I am super analytical. I analyze people, situations, the future, relationships, etc. way too much. Probably too much for my own good. It's a little ridiculous. But at the same time, I'm quite fond of myself.

I'm also a thinker. I guess this goes hand in hand with being analytical. I think and process things so much as well. But I do think about all sorts of things all the time.

I'm also very internal. I keep everything in. I bottle it all up until I have to let it all go. I hate this side of me. I fight my own battles inside my mind because I don't open my mouth. I ruminate. I analyze everything over and over and over and over again inside. I hold onto things and have the hardest time letting them go. Especially emotions. Because the emotions are so real to me. They have affected me in one way or another. And I don't know how to let them go because just letting them roll off my back doesn't allow for the proper burial. So instead, I hold on to them and somewhere down the road I'll let them go. And somewhere down the road, all at once, I'll unload my bucket of emotions. And hope that I can properly deal with the issues. But once I face them I bring back all of the emotions that went along with them. Which sometimes means that this unloading can become quite messy and complicated because not everything will make sense and hardly anything sounds related.

Being an internal type of person also means that I carry a great amount of stress and anxiety with me. I stress myself out thinking about things. And then my stress produces anxiety. And then I'm so stressed I can't eat or talk to people about what I'm stressed about because it causes even more stress. And in the rare occasion that I do tell someone about what's going on, its like word vomit. I don't want everything to come up but it does. And I can't stop myself. I just try to give them a glimpse of what's going and then--oh what's this? Word vomit! And now I'm giving away more information than I intended. And now I've got word vomit going on and I'm starting to get worried that they're getting annoyed or bored with what I'm saying. But I can't stop myself from talking.

Being analytical, a thinker, and internal all go together so well. But it sucks to suffer from all three. And it's difficult to break the cycle of them. Because if I could with the snap of my fingers I would.

I guess that's something I need to work on.

desiring change.

My plan for the past couple years has been:

1. graduate college with BA in psychology

2. start substitute teaching

3. go to grad school for school counseling

4. graduate with MA in school counseling

5. start career as a school counselor

6. go to grad school for marriage family therapy

7. graduate with MA in MFT

8. do private practice or school counseling

But lately different factors have occurred that make me wonder if my plans could potentially change. But the thing is I have no plan B. That list of 8 was all I had, and if one fell through I don't know what my next plan would be. Currently I have not accomplished number 1 but I'm already doubting number 2.

I love my job. I love who I work with. I love hanging out with kids all day. I love it all. Except the money. It's no surprise that I make nothing working at a private preschool. And I've always said, I definitely don't work there for the money. Which is still true. But now I'm feeling like I'm stuck. I can't move on with my life. I can't get married because I don't want to be scraping by hoping to make it this month. I can't move out because I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to support myself financially. I am afraid of buying a new car because I'm worried that I won't be able to make payments. Now I'm feeling like money is a motivating factor in all of this. I can't really get a raise because I don't qualify. I don't have the right units to be a teacher which would help me make slightly more than I do. And I don't want to get the right units because I don't plan on doing this for the next X amount of years nor is it my major. I just feel like I would be spending money to make more money. That doesn't work for me. So what do I do?

I've never really looked into another job for the past 3 years but now I'm thinking I should at least see what's out there. I don't have any plan for switching jobs. Quite frankly I don't want to because I'm afraid there won't be any security. I don't want to quit this job, get a new job and then soon after lose the new job. So what do I do?

I feel stuck. I want to move on with my life. So what do I do?

My new plan A: pray.

beautiful life.

i like my life. i really do. but i feel like there are some things i just wish i could change. maybe these changes would make it better. maybe they would just enhance the greatness that already exists within it.

i feel like sometimes i get so stuck on what i DON'T have; what my life is lacking; what i wish would be different. i think i need to change my outlook on this. because when i'm focusing on what i don't have or what i wish i had, i fail to realize what i DO have. i suppose this is something that i've always needed to work on. because God has truly blessed me beyond measure and it's a shame that i don't acknowledge this because i'm so focused on what is not there.

for so long i felt God was just too distant from me. i couldn't figure out how to get Him to draw near to me. and in mid february i think i finally realized the distance was the cause of myself. God is always near. God is always waiting and willing to be close. He longs for this, He longs to converse with His children just like a physical, earthly parent does. it's not God that is distant, it is myself. so i took action and opened up my Bible and spent time learning more about Him through the life of Jesus. and i was blown away. i started to see God personally rather than just through what i've learned from others throughout my life. and i began to see a pattern through all of my studying--God is love. plain and simple. He is all about love. and as cliche as the idea of love is, it really can change everything. so if i just love other a little more maybe i'll see a change in my life.

another thing i think God has taught me lately is about judgement. i've slowly been reading this great book called unChristian. there was a chapter devoted to christians being too judgmental in the eyes of outsiders. and i think that is a fair assessment. i would agree that we tend to be come off as or actually are too judgmental. and then i read this amazing quote from c.s. lewis that said "there is someone i love, even though i do not approve of what he does. there is someone i accept, though his thoughts and actions revolt me. there is someone i forgive, though he hurts the people i love the most. that person is me." that just baffled me. it has since changed my perspective about dealing with others faults and sins. it humbly reminds me that i am no better than they are. if i can remember this quote when i am tempted to judge others then i can extend grace to them. so if i can extend grace a little more maybe i'll see a change in my life.

i can't wait for others to change so my life will be better. i need to put in the effort. i need to make the change. and i think i'm beginning to realize that it all begins with me.

here's to a more promising future!

realizations.

God is at work in my heart. I have prayed for Him to stir my heart for probably years now but it hasn't been until recently that I've actually taken action and gotten serious. I wish I could say I've made leaps and bounds but the truth is it's a slow process. It's only been a couple weeks now but still, I am so excited with this change.

And through this change of heart I have finally come to realize one of the things that God has blessed me with. I was so stuck on what God did NOT bless me with that for so long I missed what he DID bless me with--a heart for broken people. It's beginning to make sense to me now. I have always been so intrigued with people who have stories of brokenness but even more intrigued when their stories end with redemption. Ever since I decided psychology was going to be my major I have always, always, always felt like this is exactly where I belong. So often I sit in class, learning new things, and think to myself I was made for this!

Another realization I've had over the past few months is that I do not want to limit my possibilities with what I want to do with my life. After getting my bachelors I want to get my masters. I actually want to get two similar yet different masters--one in school counseling and one in marriage and family therapy. I do not want to limit my future. And even more so, I think I might want to do more than counseling.

Yesterday I was spending some time reading unChristian and a small portion of the book was about this organization called To Write Love on Her Arms. I had heard of this before but never really knew what it was about. I decided to look it up and found that this organization is dedicated to people who are broken. People who are experiencing addiction, abuse, self injury, suicidal thoughts, etc. This is all stuff that I am so interested in. I want to get involved but I don't really know how. I hardly know anything about this organization but I am so intrigued by the few things I do know.

During lunch today, Royce told me to let myself dream. Because since I looked up To Write Love on Her Arms, I cannot stop thinking about it. And today during worship, I thought about how cool it would be to start an organization along the same lines as TWLOHA. I would love to be involved in something like that and I thought it would be so neat if Royce could gather people together for a band and we'd have a guest speaker and travel the country doing tours. This would be amazing to get involved with broken people. I mentioned this idea to Royce and he said I need to let myself dream.

So as of right now, my goals in life are:

• get married
• have children
• be a stay at home mom
• be a school counselor
• be a marriage and family therapist
• potentially start my own organization or get involved in one like TWLOHA
• be involved in Big Brothers/Big Sisters
• write a book on dating or marriage
• make a difference in someone's life

A new song that I am currently into right now is called Let the Waters Rise by Mikeschair. I guess I feel part of this song really resonates with me:

don't know where to begin

it's like my world's caving in

and i try but i can't control my fear

where do i go from here

sometimes it so hard to pray

when You feel so far away

but i am willing to go where you want me to

God i trust in You

there's a raging sea

right in front of me

wants to pull me in

bring me to my knees

so let the waters rise

if you want them to

i will follow You