it's not you. or is it?

So apparently Rejection and I have become quite acquainted to the point that we're pretty much best friends now. I've known Rejection very well for the past couple of years. Every now and again she comes to visit. Sometimes I'm okay with it and other times I hate when she arrives.

Today I hate it.

For the first couple of years she came in the form of a rejection from jobs that my husband or I have applied for. Now those ones I've been able to deal with because I have learned not to get too emotionally involved or attached. In fact, with the exception of one, I have just pretty much rolled them off my back when I've learned that nothing would come to pass. One of them, however, was pretty hard to deal with. Because there were some promises made that weren't followed through with. I think this was the first time I had met Rejection. And it was difficult. So I learned not to expect anything after my husband or I applied for a job.

But then Rejection came in the form of a desired home purchase. So far she's arrived twice. The first time she came after we placed an offer on a home was not too disappointing. I wasn't sure how I felt about the home but decided to go for it anyway. But the second time she arrived was today.

Today I hate her.

We looked at a home over the weekend that took me awhile to warm up to. And maybe that was the problem. We took too long. But we eventually fell in love with this little house. It seemed to meet our desires in almost every area. And we were dreaming of what we would do to make it ours. We imagined ourselves living there. Planning what colors we would paint the rooms, how we would landscape the yard, where we would put the furniture.

But then we found out that other offers were put in before ours so we are pretty much out of the running. I was extremely disappointed to find this out. I thought we actually had a good shot at this place.

I hate Rejection.

I keep returning to a conversation I had with God in the bathroom at work last week (random spot, I know!). It was  just a brief conversation that went something like this:

Me: I never get what I want.
God: You're seeking my plan aren't you?
Me: Yes. I want what You have planned for my life.
God: Then what you want isn't always what I have in store. If you continually pray for my will to be done and I do it my way, that doesn't always look like what you planned. But it's what I planned. And that's what you asked for.
Me: I know. But I hate it.
God: But you don't know what I have in store. I'll show you when it's time.

In my head I know that if I am seeking to do God's will and wanting Him to have control in my life, the outcome is not always what I have planned. But at the same time my heart desires things that apparently God doesn't have in store for me. What a struggle that is! I want my head and heart to align with God's plan but I seem to always be off track.

This seems to be a lesson of control. I think I know what is best. But I pray for God's best. Maybe he's using these situations to show me that what I think I know isn't always what is best for my life.

Maybe one day I'll meet Rejection's polar opposite friend, Acceptance. 

But for now I'll just keep praying for my desires to be the same as God's will.

a dry spell

Lately I've been feeling like my spiritual life is stale. For the life of me I could not get myself to desire to open my Bible, to spend time with God, to experience some sort of emotion on a spiritual level. It's not that I didn't want to. I wanted to so badly feel something for God. But I felt like I was going through a dry season. And I prayed on several occasions that God would keep calling my name. That He would keep drawing me back to Him.

I think yesterday I had a breakthrough.

And I liked it.

In fact, I loved it.

Normally I would just put spending time with God on my checklist for the day. Something to mark off. But this time I spent a considerable amount of time. Enjoying it. And then later in the evening when I normally would have picked up my computer to entertain me, I picked up my Bible and read some more. Same thing this morning. Just spent time with God. Enjoying it. Soaking it in. Thinking about what I was actually reading.

Slowly I am coming out of my dry spell.

Thank God. Literally.