desiring change.

My plan for the past couple years has been:

1. graduate college with BA in psychology

2. start substitute teaching

3. go to grad school for school counseling

4. graduate with MA in school counseling

5. start career as a school counselor

6. go to grad school for marriage family therapy

7. graduate with MA in MFT

8. do private practice or school counseling

But lately different factors have occurred that make me wonder if my plans could potentially change. But the thing is I have no plan B. That list of 8 was all I had, and if one fell through I don't know what my next plan would be. Currently I have not accomplished number 1 but I'm already doubting number 2.

I love my job. I love who I work with. I love hanging out with kids all day. I love it all. Except the money. It's no surprise that I make nothing working at a private preschool. And I've always said, I definitely don't work there for the money. Which is still true. But now I'm feeling like I'm stuck. I can't move on with my life. I can't get married because I don't want to be scraping by hoping to make it this month. I can't move out because I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to support myself financially. I am afraid of buying a new car because I'm worried that I won't be able to make payments. Now I'm feeling like money is a motivating factor in all of this. I can't really get a raise because I don't qualify. I don't have the right units to be a teacher which would help me make slightly more than I do. And I don't want to get the right units because I don't plan on doing this for the next X amount of years nor is it my major. I just feel like I would be spending money to make more money. That doesn't work for me. So what do I do?

I've never really looked into another job for the past 3 years but now I'm thinking I should at least see what's out there. I don't have any plan for switching jobs. Quite frankly I don't want to because I'm afraid there won't be any security. I don't want to quit this job, get a new job and then soon after lose the new job. So what do I do?

I feel stuck. I want to move on with my life. So what do I do?

My new plan A: pray.

beautiful life.

i like my life. i really do. but i feel like there are some things i just wish i could change. maybe these changes would make it better. maybe they would just enhance the greatness that already exists within it.

i feel like sometimes i get so stuck on what i DON'T have; what my life is lacking; what i wish would be different. i think i need to change my outlook on this. because when i'm focusing on what i don't have or what i wish i had, i fail to realize what i DO have. i suppose this is something that i've always needed to work on. because God has truly blessed me beyond measure and it's a shame that i don't acknowledge this because i'm so focused on what is not there.

for so long i felt God was just too distant from me. i couldn't figure out how to get Him to draw near to me. and in mid february i think i finally realized the distance was the cause of myself. God is always near. God is always waiting and willing to be close. He longs for this, He longs to converse with His children just like a physical, earthly parent does. it's not God that is distant, it is myself. so i took action and opened up my Bible and spent time learning more about Him through the life of Jesus. and i was blown away. i started to see God personally rather than just through what i've learned from others throughout my life. and i began to see a pattern through all of my studying--God is love. plain and simple. He is all about love. and as cliche as the idea of love is, it really can change everything. so if i just love other a little more maybe i'll see a change in my life.

another thing i think God has taught me lately is about judgement. i've slowly been reading this great book called unChristian. there was a chapter devoted to christians being too judgmental in the eyes of outsiders. and i think that is a fair assessment. i would agree that we tend to be come off as or actually are too judgmental. and then i read this amazing quote from c.s. lewis that said "there is someone i love, even though i do not approve of what he does. there is someone i accept, though his thoughts and actions revolt me. there is someone i forgive, though he hurts the people i love the most. that person is me." that just baffled me. it has since changed my perspective about dealing with others faults and sins. it humbly reminds me that i am no better than they are. if i can remember this quote when i am tempted to judge others then i can extend grace to them. so if i can extend grace a little more maybe i'll see a change in my life.

i can't wait for others to change so my life will be better. i need to put in the effort. i need to make the change. and i think i'm beginning to realize that it all begins with me.

here's to a more promising future!

realizations.

God is at work in my heart. I have prayed for Him to stir my heart for probably years now but it hasn't been until recently that I've actually taken action and gotten serious. I wish I could say I've made leaps and bounds but the truth is it's a slow process. It's only been a couple weeks now but still, I am so excited with this change.

And through this change of heart I have finally come to realize one of the things that God has blessed me with. I was so stuck on what God did NOT bless me with that for so long I missed what he DID bless me with--a heart for broken people. It's beginning to make sense to me now. I have always been so intrigued with people who have stories of brokenness but even more intrigued when their stories end with redemption. Ever since I decided psychology was going to be my major I have always, always, always felt like this is exactly where I belong. So often I sit in class, learning new things, and think to myself I was made for this!

Another realization I've had over the past few months is that I do not want to limit my possibilities with what I want to do with my life. After getting my bachelors I want to get my masters. I actually want to get two similar yet different masters--one in school counseling and one in marriage and family therapy. I do not want to limit my future. And even more so, I think I might want to do more than counseling.

Yesterday I was spending some time reading unChristian and a small portion of the book was about this organization called To Write Love on Her Arms. I had heard of this before but never really knew what it was about. I decided to look it up and found that this organization is dedicated to people who are broken. People who are experiencing addiction, abuse, self injury, suicidal thoughts, etc. This is all stuff that I am so interested in. I want to get involved but I don't really know how. I hardly know anything about this organization but I am so intrigued by the few things I do know.

During lunch today, Royce told me to let myself dream. Because since I looked up To Write Love on Her Arms, I cannot stop thinking about it. And today during worship, I thought about how cool it would be to start an organization along the same lines as TWLOHA. I would love to be involved in something like that and I thought it would be so neat if Royce could gather people together for a band and we'd have a guest speaker and travel the country doing tours. This would be amazing to get involved with broken people. I mentioned this idea to Royce and he said I need to let myself dream.

So as of right now, my goals in life are:

• get married
• have children
• be a stay at home mom
• be a school counselor
• be a marriage and family therapist
• potentially start my own organization or get involved in one like TWLOHA
• be involved in Big Brothers/Big Sisters
• write a book on dating or marriage
• make a difference in someone's life

A new song that I am currently into right now is called Let the Waters Rise by Mikeschair. I guess I feel part of this song really resonates with me:

don't know where to begin

it's like my world's caving in

and i try but i can't control my fear

where do i go from here

sometimes it so hard to pray

when You feel so far away

but i am willing to go where you want me to

God i trust in You

there's a raging sea

right in front of me

wants to pull me in

bring me to my knees

so let the waters rise

if you want them to

i will follow You

holy, holy, holy

I enjoyed the worship at church today. There is something about the simple acoustic set where all I hear is Royce singing. For some reason, the more simple the set up, the less distracted I am. When it's just Royce and his guitar I am so drawn to him and to God. Some of the best worship experiences I've had are when it's just the guitar and him. In the simple sets, I can focus on the lyrics and have been able to really let those sink in and come from my heart. It's been awhile since that has happened and today was just a slight glimpse of that again.

So while I was sitting there enjoying the sweet sound of my love's voice and reflecting on how amazing God really is, I was thinking about other things too (it's amazing how well women can multitask). One of the thoughts to cross my mind--and really just so briefly--was marriage. Seriously, the idea flashed for like a second and then I began to entertain it. And I felt like God was telling me your time will come. And then I was thinking about how long I have been dating Royce and how we have no idea what the future holds for us. We have some amazing ideas but those are simply our wishes, we have no clue what the timing is. And then I thought how God is totally orchestrating this. I really believe that as the time goes on I am becoming more ready and more prepared for marriage. And maybe with my history this is what is needed in order to build a solid marriage. We have rough spots but we are no where near what we used to be. And only by the grace of God have we been able to pull through all of this. When I think about how amazing it is that Royce is not perfect yet so perfect for me, I am in awe. And even though I feel like everyone is getting married before me (and most haven't even dated as long as we have!) I know that God has the perfect plan in store for us.

And while all this is going on in my mind, the song "Open the Eyes of My Heart" is being sung and coincidentally it's during the holy, holy, holy part and I feel that God has control my life and my future and for that He is holy.

And these lyrics become real to me.

latest readings.

So lately I've been reading the book of Daniel in the Bible. And honestly, I really, really enjoy it. I think of all the Old Testament books I've read (which isn't very much) I can look at this one and really get something from it. I just find it so amazing how Daniel truly loves God and worships Him. He knows that God will take care of him because he has been faithful.

I just finished reading Daniel in the lion's den. I have always read that story in the children's Bible but that was about it. I was surprised to find out that Daniel was in his 90s when he was put in the lion's den. Anyway, the whole reason he got put in there was because some people convinced the king to make a law that no one could pray to any God, only the king, for the next 30 days. Well, Daniel didn't care about this rule and decided to keep on praying three times a day to God. The consequences are obvious (getting put in the lion's den) but God spared him and shut the mouths of lions. This wasn't Daniel's first escape from death. God had been sparing his life time and time again because of his faithfulness.

It is my desire to be that faithful to God. That I could 100% live for him. I'm either all in or all out.

Count me in.

standards.

Lately I have been feeling convicted with living above the standard.

I am so tired of all the sexual jokes, videos, etc. that are supposed to be funny. I'm tired of the raunchy stuff. I'm tired of just plain old gross things. I'm tired of living like everyone else. I feel like there is nothing to set me apart from a non christian.

The more "bad" stuff we let in by watching and/or listening to, the more desensitized we become. I don't want to make excuses for this stuff either. Sure we can blame it on the media and society but it's not their fault we CHOSE to participate in it. They provide but ultimately we decide how to handle it.

I feel like everyone should feel the way I do. But the harsh reality is, few do. Maybe because I'm feeling these convictions I feel like it should affect others just as strongly. I think I'm expecting too much. God isn't changing my heart and everyone around me if they aren't willing to listen. He is working on me and me alone. I need to remember I can't account for everyone, our relationship isn't shared.

There is an old Sunday school song we used to sing with these lyrics:

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

I will not let this feeling fade. I am determined to let God continue changing my heart and living above the standard. I am not "holier than thou" but my hope is that others can notice something different about me and the standards I hold for myself.

i'm a survivor.

I survived my first year of "real college." My first year at a university. Let me tell you, what a culture shock it was. I hated being there and wished so desperately to be back at my little but familiar community college. At least there I was comfortable. But tonight I officially ended my first semester there. And I survived. An added bonus, I'm feeling pretty confident about my grades as well. I worked so hard to get where I am. I worked so hard this semester just to stay on top of everything. I'm definitely looking forward to having two months off. Spring semester is going to be KILLER. All day long on Tuesdays and Thursdays. All day. ALL DAY. I'm not looking forward to it but I know I can handle it.

So my outlook on CSUS is now slightly more positive than I started with. I still have no clue when I'm graduating and am only guessing when I say a year and a half because it sounds reasonable. I hope it could be sooner but we will see. The only thing is...I have no idea how to figure out how much longer I do have to go.